Just as I realized that I can survive the outreaches after all, the level of challenge is rising, and not exactly in the way I expected.
So far, our outreaches have basically had the theme of giving something away. The 'service' aspect was not particularly difficult (except for people like me who have trouble initiating a conversation, but I've already covered that topic).
I was interested and excited to hear the good report from a fellow VLI student in another church, who planned an outreach to pray for, meet with and talk with an Alpha attendee. A word of knowledge caused this to be an example of power evangelism. That was so cool! I was so psyched! Giving out apple juice seemed tame in comparison. After all, most of our servant evangelism outreaches were giving of the resources of the church more than they were giving of ourselves.
So I asked my mentor for additional ideas. As soon as he opened his mouth, I could tell what was coming. It was like watching an accident. You know that it's going to happen no matter what you do. He suggested going out and... cleaning toilets.
I'm trying to talk myself into this. Actually, my personality shows really clearly in my reaction to this. As unappealing as the task itself may be, my bigger concern is the idea of having to tell someone that I want to clean their toilet. I just can't quite get my brain around this one. I mean, how do you start the conversation? I can visualize myself with my rubber gloves on, brandishing a toilet brush, but I just can't imagine initiating the conversation. Maybe it would go like this. I walk into the restaurant and the waiter greets me saying "Hi, I'm John and I'm going to be your server today." And then I say "Hi, I'm Ann, and I'm going to clean your toilet today". It sort of sounds like a bad line in the kind of movie I don't even like. I'm really going to need a script if we do this. Or maybe I can just beg my partner to do the talking.
And also I can't imagine what I'll say when a friendly co-worker asks me how class is going, and what I've learned lately!
Friday, October 31, 2003
Sunday, October 26, 2003
No short-cuts to prayer
John Dalrymple, Simple Prayer, 47:
"The truth is that we only learn to pray all the time everywhere after we have resolutely set about praying some of the time somewhere."
That really cuts to the heart of things, doesn't it? I guess it's part of American culture to look for short-cuts everywhere. We want to multi-task, and figure that if we can pray while we are doing something else, we'll save time. And it's such an insidious deception, because it sounds virtuous, holy even, to say that we pray all the time.
It really annoys me when I'm trying to talk to someone who is doing something else at the same time, and who can't be bothered to pay attention. My old boss used to read and write emails while pretending to listen to me. In my opinion, he did neither activity well! And yet we turn around and do the same thing to God.
So far, my best 'place' to concentrate on prayer is actually when I'm walking. Ironically, it gives me a freedom from distractions that I don't have in my nice, quiet, private apartment. And then I worry about whether praying while walking 'counts' or whether I'm still fooling myself. I have to admit, I was encouraged when I heard that Jonathan Edwards and his wife Sarah both liked to walk alone in the woods or fields, and pray to God. That made it sound legitimate! Then I consider that maybe praying while walking 'counts' if that is the specific purpose of the walk, but doesn't count if I happen to be walking to get to work. Perhaps I'm really a Pharisees in disguise. Help! I need grace!
OK, I'm going to break this off so I can go take a walk!
"The truth is that we only learn to pray all the time everywhere after we have resolutely set about praying some of the time somewhere."
That really cuts to the heart of things, doesn't it? I guess it's part of American culture to look for short-cuts everywhere. We want to multi-task, and figure that if we can pray while we are doing something else, we'll save time. And it's such an insidious deception, because it sounds virtuous, holy even, to say that we pray all the time.
It really annoys me when I'm trying to talk to someone who is doing something else at the same time, and who can't be bothered to pay attention. My old boss used to read and write emails while pretending to listen to me. In my opinion, he did neither activity well! And yet we turn around and do the same thing to God.
So far, my best 'place' to concentrate on prayer is actually when I'm walking. Ironically, it gives me a freedom from distractions that I don't have in my nice, quiet, private apartment. And then I worry about whether praying while walking 'counts' or whether I'm still fooling myself. I have to admit, I was encouraged when I heard that Jonathan Edwards and his wife Sarah both liked to walk alone in the woods or fields, and pray to God. That made it sound legitimate! Then I consider that maybe praying while walking 'counts' if that is the specific purpose of the walk, but doesn't count if I happen to be walking to get to work. Perhaps I'm really a Pharisees in disguise. Help! I need grace!
OK, I'm going to break this off so I can go take a walk!
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Evading God
I've been thinking about what Steve said about evading God when he thinks he is actually reaching out to God, and it occurred to me that I do exactly the same thing. It's amazing how stupid and illogical something sounds when it's about someone else, and how tricky it is when you realize it's about you.
My version of this is that I love to read about prayer. In fact, as soon as Steve recommended it, I immediately ordered Richard Foster's book, Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home. When the book arrived, I eagerly opened the package, and glanced at the first page, and suddenly realized that I had to choose between spending time in prayer, or merely reading about it. Wouldn't it be great if I could report that I sailed right into a beautiful time of prayer? Actually, I had a snack, and answered an email first. It's amazing how something in me can generate distractions out of nothing. I think I'll take the book as train reading, so I can save primetime for actual prayer instead. I'm trying to learn from what Brennan Manning said -- that our time with God should be when we are at our best. I've been experimenting with shifting things around according to this principle. It really runs counter to what comes naturally.
I think there are two reasons for this. The first, as I said earlier, is simply the distractions. The second reason is a variation of that. My family culture was very results oriented, and prized doing chores. In my house, if we had read the Bible we would have definitely thought that Jesus was wrong about Mary and Martha. It's obvious that Martha is the good guy. So I always have a genetic urge to 'clear the decks' first. However that's a deception, in this case. 'Clear the decks' pertains more to doing chores before relaxing, or eating vegetables before dessert. It's a false excuse that sounded vaguely admirable. Oops.
On the other hand, I've been doing pretty well at cutting out the aimless TV watching. I'm still watching a few of my favorite shows, but I've mainly cut out the random background watching, and the insidious 11 oclock news. Boy, I just thought of a parallel between the 11 o'clock news and Steve Robbins -- with both of them, they whet your appetite with a preview of what they are going to talk about, and then it's half an hour before they get to it. Just kidding. Actually, the apparent digressions in the lectures are often fascinating.
My version of this is that I love to read about prayer. In fact, as soon as Steve recommended it, I immediately ordered Richard Foster's book, Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home. When the book arrived, I eagerly opened the package, and glanced at the first page, and suddenly realized that I had to choose between spending time in prayer, or merely reading about it. Wouldn't it be great if I could report that I sailed right into a beautiful time of prayer? Actually, I had a snack, and answered an email first. It's amazing how something in me can generate distractions out of nothing. I think I'll take the book as train reading, so I can save primetime for actual prayer instead. I'm trying to learn from what Brennan Manning said -- that our time with God should be when we are at our best. I've been experimenting with shifting things around according to this principle. It really runs counter to what comes naturally.
I think there are two reasons for this. The first, as I said earlier, is simply the distractions. The second reason is a variation of that. My family culture was very results oriented, and prized doing chores. In my house, if we had read the Bible we would have definitely thought that Jesus was wrong about Mary and Martha. It's obvious that Martha is the good guy. So I always have a genetic urge to 'clear the decks' first. However that's a deception, in this case. 'Clear the decks' pertains more to doing chores before relaxing, or eating vegetables before dessert. It's a false excuse that sounded vaguely admirable. Oops.
On the other hand, I've been doing pretty well at cutting out the aimless TV watching. I'm still watching a few of my favorite shows, but I've mainly cut out the random background watching, and the insidious 11 oclock news. Boy, I just thought of a parallel between the 11 o'clock news and Steve Robbins -- with both of them, they whet your appetite with a preview of what they are going to talk about, and then it's half an hour before they get to it. Just kidding. Actually, the apparent digressions in the lectures are often fascinating.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
What's my evangelism style?
If this were a multiple choice test, would "none of the above" be one of the choices?
Ok, it's true, I wrote that partly as an attention grabber, but partly because to me, the appropriate style depends on the situation. I know I'm not at all comfortable with a 'confrontational' style, but to me it seems that the other styles depend on the situation and the circumstance. I don't usually use the personal testimony style, because my testimony is pretty low key. However it is interesting to people from a similar perfectionist background. Face it, when a perfectionist 'good girl' gets saved, you don't see dramatic external lifestyle changes. Likewise, the intellectual approach isn't usually relevant to people, however if that is their personality, then it makes sense to communicate that way to them. And the relational style works with people with whom you share a relationship. Actually, the approach that appeals to me most is power evangelism -- it also seems to fit the most common New Testament model, where we see Jesus and the disciples healing the sick, and preaching the gospel. Alas, there is a fatal flaw with choosing this style. We cannot control when the Lord will move in power.
I have a personal theory, however, that the people who actually have the spiritual gift of evangelism will often use a confrontational style, and that it is peculiarly effective for them because it is inspired. That's why they can bluntly go up to someone, utter a total non-sequitur, and end up with the person receiving the Lord on the spot, for no apparent reason.
The rest of us try hard, and learn little speeches, and experiment with different methods, or tracts, or diagrams, or programs. And have occasional success.
The part of evangelism that I have trouble with is opening the dialogue. I have no problem with answering questions that people have, or participating in a conversation, I just have a hard time starting the ball rolling. To put that in context, I have trouble starting the conversational ball rolling in general. I can work with someone for years and not know if they are married, because I don't know how to ask normal conversational questions. I'm always afraid someone will be offended. For example, what if I ask someone if they are married and they are in the middle of a divorce? What if I ask someone if they have kids and they are struggling with infertility? What if I ask someone where they work and they just lost their job? I've never been able to figure out how you know the difference between showing interest and being intrusive.
So my difficulty with evangelism is not surprising. The main spiritual touchpoint I have with my co-workers is that they know that I pray for them when they (or their family) are sick. At that point, there is a felt need that I can respond to.
Ok, it's true, I wrote that partly as an attention grabber, but partly because to me, the appropriate style depends on the situation. I know I'm not at all comfortable with a 'confrontational' style, but to me it seems that the other styles depend on the situation and the circumstance. I don't usually use the personal testimony style, because my testimony is pretty low key. However it is interesting to people from a similar perfectionist background. Face it, when a perfectionist 'good girl' gets saved, you don't see dramatic external lifestyle changes. Likewise, the intellectual approach isn't usually relevant to people, however if that is their personality, then it makes sense to communicate that way to them. And the relational style works with people with whom you share a relationship. Actually, the approach that appeals to me most is power evangelism -- it also seems to fit the most common New Testament model, where we see Jesus and the disciples healing the sick, and preaching the gospel. Alas, there is a fatal flaw with choosing this style. We cannot control when the Lord will move in power.
I have a personal theory, however, that the people who actually have the spiritual gift of evangelism will often use a confrontational style, and that it is peculiarly effective for them because it is inspired. That's why they can bluntly go up to someone, utter a total non-sequitur, and end up with the person receiving the Lord on the spot, for no apparent reason.
The rest of us try hard, and learn little speeches, and experiment with different methods, or tracts, or diagrams, or programs. And have occasional success.
The part of evangelism that I have trouble with is opening the dialogue. I have no problem with answering questions that people have, or participating in a conversation, I just have a hard time starting the ball rolling. To put that in context, I have trouble starting the conversational ball rolling in general. I can work with someone for years and not know if they are married, because I don't know how to ask normal conversational questions. I'm always afraid someone will be offended. For example, what if I ask someone if they are married and they are in the middle of a divorce? What if I ask someone if they have kids and they are struggling with infertility? What if I ask someone where they work and they just lost their job? I've never been able to figure out how you know the difference between showing interest and being intrusive.
So my difficulty with evangelism is not surprising. The main spiritual touchpoint I have with my co-workers is that they know that I pray for them when they (or their family) are sick. At that point, there is a felt need that I can respond to.
Monday, October 20, 2003
Apple juice and pretzels
We did an outreach on Saturday -- serving apple juice and pretzels to the kids who were doing the village window painting contest. Mike, my fellow student, was so much fun to work with. He is patient and encouraging with the fact that I find outreaches hard. And the big bonus was that he is great at pouring! In fact, he was so good at the apple juice that they called him over to the paint table, to pour paint, too. Talk about a hidden talent that came into play in service.
The funniest thing happened when the Recreation specialist commandeered us to help judge the contest. I was freaking out, but Mike encouraged me to stretch myself. And it was actually fun. We were seriously discussing which awards to give to the motorcycle painting-- "have a hardcore Halloween", and the baseball painting -- "the 2003 world scaries".
I was surprised by how well behaved the kids all were. Those who took multiple servings always explained that they were fetching extra for their painting partners. We went through about 200 servings of pretzels, but only 120 servings of apple juice. I think this was because it was an unseasonable cold day, and gray and windy to boot, and the kids were all freezing. For some unaccountable reason some of them were wearing shorts! I was wearing jeans with a turtleneck and a T-shirt over it, and a fleece jacket and a wind-breaker shell, and I was chilly. If we were to do this again next year, I'd allow for 200 servings of each. That's enough to serve the kids and the parents.
My real stroke of brilliance was in remembering to bring a big garbage bag and tape, so we could tape it along the end of the table. That's worth remembering for next year!
There were no overt opportunities to evangelize, but it contributed to building relationship between the church and the village. Also, some of the adults were clearly surprised at the fact that the church would give away something for free. And we seem to be building a reputation as the church who feeds people -- or at least serves beverages!
The funniest thing happened when the Recreation specialist commandeered us to help judge the contest. I was freaking out, but Mike encouraged me to stretch myself. And it was actually fun. We were seriously discussing which awards to give to the motorcycle painting-- "have a hardcore Halloween", and the baseball painting -- "the 2003 world scaries".
I was surprised by how well behaved the kids all were. Those who took multiple servings always explained that they were fetching extra for their painting partners. We went through about 200 servings of pretzels, but only 120 servings of apple juice. I think this was because it was an unseasonable cold day, and gray and windy to boot, and the kids were all freezing. For some unaccountable reason some of them were wearing shorts! I was wearing jeans with a turtleneck and a T-shirt over it, and a fleece jacket and a wind-breaker shell, and I was chilly. If we were to do this again next year, I'd allow for 200 servings of each. That's enough to serve the kids and the parents.
My real stroke of brilliance was in remembering to bring a big garbage bag and tape, so we could tape it along the end of the table. That's worth remembering for next year!
There were no overt opportunities to evangelize, but it contributed to building relationship between the church and the village. Also, some of the adults were clearly surprised at the fact that the church would give away something for free. And we seem to be building a reputation as the church who feeds people -- or at least serves beverages!
I'm sad
My mentor had to step down. I can't be more specific because I don't want to abuse her privacy. But I'm worried about her, and I'll miss her. And I feel like I should have been praying for her more. And since I find evangelism hard, I really need a mentor in this topic. So my thoughts are pretty confused and jumbled right now. But mainly I'm sad.
+ God, forgive me for not praying for her more. Please keep her close to your heart +
+ God, forgive me for not praying for her more. Please keep her close to your heart +
Food, parties and sex
Oops. Make that Fasting, Celebration, and Chastity.
Each week, I think we finished the 'hard' topic, and then I find out that every topic has a challenge in it. I learned several things about fasting. I haven't felt 'called' to fast in the past, and I now realize that this was probably a combination of both good and bad reasons. Here's what struck me:
1) I knew it was Biblical, I just didn't realize how foundational it was.
2) It's rather pointless to fast when you are too busy to pray.
3) Fasting should be inspired by God.
4) But we should pray for the openness of heart, to welcome and accept the call of God to fast.
I was feeling "off the hook" when I heard points 2 and 3, since I really hadn't ever felt called to fast. And then point number 4 really challenged me. So I prayed for openness of heart about fasting. It just occurred to me that there is a similarity between fasting and chastity. Both could be called the gift that no one wants.
It's probably not coincidence that 3 days after I prayed to be open to the idea of fasting, I suddenly felt called to fast, for the first time. I guess I had been sort of like a kid with her fingers in her ears, saying "I can't hear you".
Anyway, I just did one day, and felt totally foggy with no concentration, and no great revelation, yet I felt content that it was simply an act of obedience.
Each week, I think we finished the 'hard' topic, and then I find out that every topic has a challenge in it. I learned several things about fasting. I haven't felt 'called' to fast in the past, and I now realize that this was probably a combination of both good and bad reasons. Here's what struck me:
1) I knew it was Biblical, I just didn't realize how foundational it was.
2) It's rather pointless to fast when you are too busy to pray.
3) Fasting should be inspired by God.
4) But we should pray for the openness of heart, to welcome and accept the call of God to fast.
I was feeling "off the hook" when I heard points 2 and 3, since I really hadn't ever felt called to fast. And then point number 4 really challenged me. So I prayed for openness of heart about fasting. It just occurred to me that there is a similarity between fasting and chastity. Both could be called the gift that no one wants.
It's probably not coincidence that 3 days after I prayed to be open to the idea of fasting, I suddenly felt called to fast, for the first time. I guess I had been sort of like a kid with her fingers in her ears, saying "I can't hear you".
Anyway, I just did one day, and felt totally foggy with no concentration, and no great revelation, yet I felt content that it was simply an act of obedience.
Saturday, October 11, 2003
Solitude and silence -- Saturday night
Here I am, studying 'Solitude and silence', alone on Saturday night. The irony does not escape me. As an introvert, I like being alone, and find it comfortable and normal. But somehow, on Saturday night, I'm peculiarly aware of solitude. But it's not a bad thing to explicitly make this choice.
As far as silence goes, I may have trouble quieting my own mind, as I wrote on Thursday, but I prefer quiet surroundings, most of the time. In fact, I sometimes actually walk out of stores or restaurants, because the background music irritates me, and interferes with my thoughts. I was frustrated and annoyed in the gym this week, because I was intending on using my 25 minutes on the eliptical machine to review my scripture memorization, but the noise pollution was amazing. There was one TV to my right, another (tuned to another station) to my left, and a third one more distantly at the other end of the room. Then there was some sound spilling out of the adjoining room holding the step class, and the icing on the cake was the piped in radio station. Help!!! It makes me really stressed out, but other people seem energized by it.
Unfortunately, I suspect that my innate need for quiet actually puts me behind rather than ahead, in the discipline of solitude and silence. Why do I say this? Because I'm distracted by noises that don't seem to bother anyone else. For instance, right now, in addition to the traffic noises out the window, I'm hearing the hard drive of my computer spinning, a jet overhead, and two different insects (I think they are cicadas, but I could be confusing them with something else). Oh, now that I'm specifically listening, I think there are three of them, not just two. I'm feeling tremendously fortunate that I have quiet neighbors. While I can sometimes hear TVs or voices or footsteps, I'm so grateful that no one is really noisy. And tonight, the cicadas (or whatever they are) sound really nice. I get a kick out of hearing natural sounds in the middle of the suburbs.
This afternoon, I went with my friends to the Mill Neck Manor apple festival. It is a fundraiser for the school for the deaf. It was a perfect fall day -- sunny and crisp. I was enjoying the whole experience: being with friends; eating the terrific roasted corn; selecting a box of apples to take home. And then it occurred to me that one of the things I was enjoying was the relative quiet -- so many people were signing instead of talking that there was simply less ambient noise than you would expect from a crowd that size. And I suddenly wondered what it would be like to not have that constant auditory input bombarding you all day long.
So anyway, when I finally find a quiet place to come before the Lord, then I become aware of the clutter in my own thoughts. I feel like the woman in the movie 'The gods must be crazy', in the cafeteria scene in the beginning, who politely asks: "Is the noise inside my head bothering you?"
P.s. That was a joke, in case you couldn't tell. But I do love the movie, and I think it's a great line.
As far as silence goes, I may have trouble quieting my own mind, as I wrote on Thursday, but I prefer quiet surroundings, most of the time. In fact, I sometimes actually walk out of stores or restaurants, because the background music irritates me, and interferes with my thoughts. I was frustrated and annoyed in the gym this week, because I was intending on using my 25 minutes on the eliptical machine to review my scripture memorization, but the noise pollution was amazing. There was one TV to my right, another (tuned to another station) to my left, and a third one more distantly at the other end of the room. Then there was some sound spilling out of the adjoining room holding the step class, and the icing on the cake was the piped in radio station. Help!!! It makes me really stressed out, but other people seem energized by it.
Unfortunately, I suspect that my innate need for quiet actually puts me behind rather than ahead, in the discipline of solitude and silence. Why do I say this? Because I'm distracted by noises that don't seem to bother anyone else. For instance, right now, in addition to the traffic noises out the window, I'm hearing the hard drive of my computer spinning, a jet overhead, and two different insects (I think they are cicadas, but I could be confusing them with something else). Oh, now that I'm specifically listening, I think there are three of them, not just two. I'm feeling tremendously fortunate that I have quiet neighbors. While I can sometimes hear TVs or voices or footsteps, I'm so grateful that no one is really noisy. And tonight, the cicadas (or whatever they are) sound really nice. I get a kick out of hearing natural sounds in the middle of the suburbs.
This afternoon, I went with my friends to the Mill Neck Manor apple festival. It is a fundraiser for the school for the deaf. It was a perfect fall day -- sunny and crisp. I was enjoying the whole experience: being with friends; eating the terrific roasted corn; selecting a box of apples to take home. And then it occurred to me that one of the things I was enjoying was the relative quiet -- so many people were signing instead of talking that there was simply less ambient noise than you would expect from a crowd that size. And I suddenly wondered what it would be like to not have that constant auditory input bombarding you all day long.
So anyway, when I finally find a quiet place to come before the Lord, then I become aware of the clutter in my own thoughts. I feel like the woman in the movie 'The gods must be crazy', in the cafeteria scene in the beginning, who politely asks: "Is the noise inside my head bothering you?"
P.s. That was a joke, in case you couldn't tell. But I do love the movie, and I think it's a great line.
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Where can I find solitude & silence?
It sounds easy, since I live alone, but the problem is that my mind is crowded even when I'm all by myself. Parenthetically, that makes it very convenient to 'blog', because I'm always thinking about 5 or 10 things at the same time, and I should be able to find one or two thoughts that are not totally private or humiliating. But back to the topic at hand.
So far, when I try to wait on the Lord, in solitude and silence, I am obsessed with distractions. My most fruitful times come when they flow naturally out of worship. I read something interesting in the Toronto Airport Fellowship newsletter a year or so ago. There was an article that dealt specifically with 'left brain' people. It suggested that we need to learn a way to shift out of the intellectual mode, and recommended singing worship songs as a transition into prayer, since the music is a right brain activity. This seems true to me, however even re-reading what I've just written makes me worry that it sounds like I'm using worship with an ulterior motive. I'd rather say that it is all part of worship.
I had an illuminating conversation with a friend, years ago. She was trying to explain to me the burden of being a person who was not intellectually oriented. At first I wasn't even listening that carefully -- she had always seemed very smart and capable to me, so I wasn't getting the point. But then she said something fascinating: "My brain is normally 'off', and I have to tell it to turn 'on' when I want to think about something." I was dumbfounded. My problem is the opposite. My brain is normally 'on', and I have trouble quieting it down, to just 'be'. When I'm really really engrossed in something, I go into a world of my own, and am not aware of anything else (I can stand waiting on a train platform and neglect to get on the train if I'm reading a good book), but most of the time my thoughts are bopping around like a ping-pong ball.
I've been trying hard to have a topic for each blog entry, because I assume that will make it more interesting, and easier to read, but just for fun, and contrast, here is what I'm thinking about right now:
-I have a meeting coming up in 21 minutes, and I need to check my notes and the meeting location.
-I'm still not sure when we'll get the apple juice for my outreach.
Steve's blog isn't loading properly because the Comment server seems to be down.
-I have to ask CM if it is true that we don't need to worry about FX swaps, because we will map them to be FX forwards.
-I have a list of emails and docs with various questions that are all not getting resolved -- maybe I need to bite the bullet and put them into an issue tracker.
-The manager in the next cube just mentioned my name. I wonder why he is talking about me.
-MC's father is still in the hospital. I hope he feels better soon. She is getting stressed out with the logistics.
-I've lent my car to her for the week, since hers is in the shop and she needs to get to work. But we have to connect for her to give it back.
-I should write KH a note thanking him for the great work he did in my apartment yesterday.
Do you see what I mean? People always recommend writing down the distracting thoughts so you can clear your mind, but I can't type fast enough to keep up. This wasn't the whole list of my current thoughts, but I thought that was enough of a sample. My brain is actually a highly efficient random thought generator!
+Lord, help me to quiet my mind+
So far, when I try to wait on the Lord, in solitude and silence, I am obsessed with distractions. My most fruitful times come when they flow naturally out of worship. I read something interesting in the Toronto Airport Fellowship newsletter a year or so ago. There was an article that dealt specifically with 'left brain' people. It suggested that we need to learn a way to shift out of the intellectual mode, and recommended singing worship songs as a transition into prayer, since the music is a right brain activity. This seems true to me, however even re-reading what I've just written makes me worry that it sounds like I'm using worship with an ulterior motive. I'd rather say that it is all part of worship.
I had an illuminating conversation with a friend, years ago. She was trying to explain to me the burden of being a person who was not intellectually oriented. At first I wasn't even listening that carefully -- she had always seemed very smart and capable to me, so I wasn't getting the point. But then she said something fascinating: "My brain is normally 'off', and I have to tell it to turn 'on' when I want to think about something." I was dumbfounded. My problem is the opposite. My brain is normally 'on', and I have trouble quieting it down, to just 'be'. When I'm really really engrossed in something, I go into a world of my own, and am not aware of anything else (I can stand waiting on a train platform and neglect to get on the train if I'm reading a good book), but most of the time my thoughts are bopping around like a ping-pong ball.
I've been trying hard to have a topic for each blog entry, because I assume that will make it more interesting, and easier to read, but just for fun, and contrast, here is what I'm thinking about right now:
-I have a meeting coming up in 21 minutes, and I need to check my notes and the meeting location.
-I'm still not sure when we'll get the apple juice for my outreach.
Steve's blog isn't loading properly because the Comment server seems to be down.
-I have to ask CM if it is true that we don't need to worry about FX swaps, because we will map them to be FX forwards.
-I have a list of emails and docs with various questions that are all not getting resolved -- maybe I need to bite the bullet and put them into an issue tracker.
-The manager in the next cube just mentioned my name. I wonder why he is talking about me.
-MC's father is still in the hospital. I hope he feels better soon. She is getting stressed out with the logistics.
-I've lent my car to her for the week, since hers is in the shop and she needs to get to work. But we have to connect for her to give it back.
-I should write KH a note thanking him for the great work he did in my apartment yesterday.
Do you see what I mean? People always recommend writing down the distracting thoughts so you can clear your mind, but I can't type fast enough to keep up. This wasn't the whole list of my current thoughts, but I thought that was enough of a sample. My brain is actually a highly efficient random thought generator!
+Lord, help me to quiet my mind+
Monday, October 06, 2003
Q: What do Steve and Nike have in common?
A: They share the same slogan: Just do it
Well, I'm paraphrasing, but in week 2, Steve made it clear that Scripture reading and Prayer are not optional. There's a reason they are called disciplines.
It's good that I'm taking this course now, and not some years ago. In the past I would have been too caught up in frustration and condemnation to even give this a fair hearing. My reaction now is different. I know that I fall short in these areas, so I need to concretely look at what I can change. Of course, it might be most efficient in the long run to simply start by praying that God will give me a passionate desire to pray and read more!
But I'm also putting together what Steve said with some tapes I was just listening to by Brennan Manning, and something clicked. Brennan Manning was directing people to spend 40 minutes a day simply saying "Abba, I belong to you". That sounds a bit overwhelming, to tell the truth, but it was a little throwaway line that suddenly stood up and said "listen to this". He said to pick the time of day you are at your best. And I suddenly realized that one of my mistakes is that I do the opposite -- I pull out my Bible the last thing in the day, when I'm too tired to think straight. No wonder it seems confusing and boring. Of course, my previous attempt at a solution was equally ineffective: reading the first thing in the morning, when everything in me is reaching back to sleep.
On the topic of scripture, I'm still baffled at how Brother Yun was able to memorize a chapter a day! I've been working really hard on this (during the day, not when I'm asleep). Naively inspired by his story, I started learning Ephesians 1 and I'm not even managing a chapter per month. Not only that, the chapter I thought I had memorized is now slipping away. And yet I'm still glad that I'm working on it.
+God, give me a hunger to know your Word. Give me a passion for your presence. Help me to quiet my heart and my mind, so that distractions don't derail my attempts to meet with You.+
Well, I'm paraphrasing, but in week 2, Steve made it clear that Scripture reading and Prayer are not optional. There's a reason they are called disciplines.
It's good that I'm taking this course now, and not some years ago. In the past I would have been too caught up in frustration and condemnation to even give this a fair hearing. My reaction now is different. I know that I fall short in these areas, so I need to concretely look at what I can change. Of course, it might be most efficient in the long run to simply start by praying that God will give me a passionate desire to pray and read more!
But I'm also putting together what Steve said with some tapes I was just listening to by Brennan Manning, and something clicked. Brennan Manning was directing people to spend 40 minutes a day simply saying "Abba, I belong to you". That sounds a bit overwhelming, to tell the truth, but it was a little throwaway line that suddenly stood up and said "listen to this". He said to pick the time of day you are at your best. And I suddenly realized that one of my mistakes is that I do the opposite -- I pull out my Bible the last thing in the day, when I'm too tired to think straight. No wonder it seems confusing and boring. Of course, my previous attempt at a solution was equally ineffective: reading the first thing in the morning, when everything in me is reaching back to sleep.
On the topic of scripture, I'm still baffled at how Brother Yun was able to memorize a chapter a day! I've been working really hard on this (during the day, not when I'm asleep). Naively inspired by his story, I started learning Ephesians 1 and I'm not even managing a chapter per month. Not only that, the chapter I thought I had memorized is now slipping away. And yet I'm still glad that I'm working on it.
+God, give me a hunger to know your Word. Give me a passion for your presence. Help me to quiet my heart and my mind, so that distractions don't derail my attempts to meet with You.+
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Week 1 -- and I'm already feeling convicted
The devotional life of a leader. Spiritual Disciplines.
I knew that there would be topics that would convict my heart, but I got blindsided in week one. Not by the emphasis on reading the word (which I should do more, but was sort of braced to hear an exhortation to do better).
What totally struck me was the emphasis on "attitude and expectation when you come to hear the Word of God" . Especially this: we need to come with expectation that God will give us ears to hear -- we need humility to receive through others who are preaching/teaching/speaking. Wow -- I was certainly able to personalize that as an area in need of repentence. It's so easy for me to get snotty about a sermon that I don't like. But this lesson really struck my heart.
+Lord, I'm sorry for being so distracted by the package that have often failed to receive your word. Please give me the humility to listen, and the revelation to hear what you want me to hear+
I knew that there would be topics that would convict my heart, but I got blindsided in week one. Not by the emphasis on reading the word (which I should do more, but was sort of braced to hear an exhortation to do better).
What totally struck me was the emphasis on "attitude and expectation when you come to hear the Word of God" . Especially this: we need to come with expectation that God will give us ears to hear -- we need humility to receive through others who are preaching/teaching/speaking. Wow -- I was certainly able to personalize that as an area in need of repentence. It's so easy for me to get snotty about a sermon that I don't like. But this lesson really struck my heart.
+Lord, I'm sorry for being so distracted by the package that have often failed to receive your word. Please give me the humility to listen, and the revelation to hear what you want me to hear+
Did you ever hear of a window-painting contest?
Will this work for an outreach?
I thought maybe we could serve hot cider at the village 'Ragamuffin parade', but the Recreation supervisor felt that it's already hard to keep the kids' attention on lining up, and that it would be counter-productive to introduce any new distractions. So I (boldly for me) asked if there were any other upcoming events, and he mentioned the window painting contest. Apparently they have the kids paint (on paper, not directly on the windows) and then post the paintings on the store windows in town. So maybe we can have a beverage table.
I'm already thinking of potential problems:
-What if it rains?
-What if a child is allergic to apple juice?
-What if there's no graceful way to indicate that we're serving just to show the love of God? Kids receive so well that maybe they'll just take it for granted.
-What if we don't have enough apple juice?
-What if we have way too much apple juice?
-What if all the stores are sold out and we can't buy apple juice?
-what if a kid gets burned on the hot chocolate?
-What if ...
OK, let's think of solutions:
- Ask the supervisor if we can move the beverage table to the rec center, in case of rain. Or if not, switch the outreach to a "supermarket umbrella escort" (which I think would actually be a pretty good outreach, but you can't really plan for rain).
- These kids are 4th through 8th grade. They should either know what they are allergic to, or should have a parent with them.
- There will probably be parents around with whom we can communicate our intent to show the love of God. I think the parents will really like that we are doing something for their kids, as long as they don't think we are proselytizing.
- We'll serve until we use up the apple juice or until noon. Then we'll leave. If there is lot's of juice left over, we can give it to the food pantry, or the sunday school.
- If there is a nationwide shortage of apple juice, we'll serve lemonade instead
- Serve only cold beverages
I thought maybe we could serve hot cider at the village 'Ragamuffin parade', but the Recreation supervisor felt that it's already hard to keep the kids' attention on lining up, and that it would be counter-productive to introduce any new distractions. So I (boldly for me) asked if there were any other upcoming events, and he mentioned the window painting contest. Apparently they have the kids paint (on paper, not directly on the windows) and then post the paintings on the store windows in town. So maybe we can have a beverage table.
I'm already thinking of potential problems:
-What if it rains?
-What if a child is allergic to apple juice?
-What if there's no graceful way to indicate that we're serving just to show the love of God? Kids receive so well that maybe they'll just take it for granted.
-What if we don't have enough apple juice?
-What if we have way too much apple juice?
-What if all the stores are sold out and we can't buy apple juice?
-what if a kid gets burned on the hot chocolate?
-What if ...
OK, let's think of solutions:
- Ask the supervisor if we can move the beverage table to the rec center, in case of rain. Or if not, switch the outreach to a "supermarket umbrella escort" (which I think would actually be a pretty good outreach, but you can't really plan for rain).
- These kids are 4th through 8th grade. They should either know what they are allergic to, or should have a parent with them.
- There will probably be parents around with whom we can communicate our intent to show the love of God. I think the parents will really like that we are doing something for their kids, as long as they don't think we are proselytizing.
- We'll serve until we use up the apple juice or until noon. Then we'll leave. If there is lot's of juice left over, we can give it to the food pantry, or the sunday school.
- If there is a nationwide shortage of apple juice, we'll serve lemonade instead
- Serve only cold beverages