Notes from Columbus: 5/5/2005 Bob Groth

Bob Groth taught a workshop called 'Pastoral care of Death and dying'. In addition to being a pastor, he works for Hospice, and has a lot of experience in ministering to the dying and their families.

There is a difference between being terminal and being actively dying.

When someone dies and the family asks if they are in heaven, you can say that God is the one who looks on the heart, not us. And God is merciful.

When people know that their time is limited, help them deal with the 5 thoughts to help with closure: I love you. I forgive you. Will you forgive me? Thank you. Good bye. Help them address these areas with their families.

It's not just a question of helping the patient or even helping the family, it is also to help the patient communicate with the family. Ask key questions to get them going ("how did you meet"?) and also ask facilitating questions ("is there anything else you need to discuss?").

Give the signal that you are giving them your complete attention. Take off your coat. Sit down. Look at them. Depending on how the room is set up it might work better to kneel by the bed so the patient can easily see you.

Sometimes the church wants to keep praying for healing, when it is really time to let the patient and family get used to the idea of dying, and get closure. So there is a balance between retaining hope and preparing for death.

Here is an order of service that Bob uses:
- Welcome to the people
- Prayer, thanking God that we are part of the family of god
- Scripture reading
- Read the obituary
- General sharing. You can also encourage people who don't have the time or inclination to share that they can write these things and send them to the family later.
- Message
- Lord's prayer
- Some sort of blessing or reading.

Be a bridge among the family. they will often be of varying denominations. Preach the good news wherever you can. Draw a boundary, however -- if the family wants a service with no mention of God, you have a right to turn that down, because what is there left to say?