I'm embarrassed at how surprised I am when God answers prayer!
I prayed that I would be able to start building a bridge over the cultural gaps at work, and all of a sudden, the whole tone has changed. In the past week there were three new bricks added to the bridge.
On two occasions, a co-worker used an example from Indian mythology as an analogy to explain a situation at work. But it seems that 'mythology' sometimes means an old saying. So already I have learned something. For example, P. told me that there is a story in their mythology that says when one person says something, no one pays attention, but when more people say it louder, then it is listened to. Well, that certainly explains some events on this project -- I was the one person saying it softly. It was a good analogy to the situation. And it opens the door for cultural conversations.
And today, the nicest thing happened. On the monitor for my computer, I have taped a little card where I printed out Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
P. was working with me at my desk, and suddenly noticed this verse, and was very taken with it. So he started declaiming it out loud. He read it beautifully, and loudly! So today, the day after Christmas, the sounds of the gospel were heard ringing down the hallway.
I was intimidated and frustrated by last quarter's classes on Acts & Missions. I felt totally incompetent to even have the social ability to cross a cultural gap. But the class brought me to the point of recognizing my need, and asking God for help. And I think I am experiencing God's grace, and He is teaching me how to take baby steps.
Friday, December 26, 2003
Monday, December 22, 2003
Communicating with cookies
Wow. Now that I've committed to looking for and noticing opportunities to connect with my multi-cultural co-workers, the opportunities are already popping up. It's not as overt as 'witnessing', but I'm trying to simply build a conversational background, by answering their questions, without violating the workplace constraints against saying anything that anyone in the world might object to. I work in an environment where polital correctness rules. So far this year, we have celebrated African American month, Hispanic month, American Indian month, and Gay, Bisexual and Transexual month. We have eaten lunches in honor of Indian Independence day and Korean independence day. And there is such a fear of saying something that could be taken the wrong way, that people are inhibited from normal conversations that ask sincere questions about other people's culture.
So I brought in some Christmas cookies today, and referred to them as 'Christmas cookies' when I invited my co-workers to share them. Since I had taken Friday off, to bake, my team-mates were interested to hear my 'Christmas Cookie Day' tradition. They asked curiously if we used the pre-packaged dough that is advertised on TV, and they were astounded to find out that we actually make the cookies from scratch. H. even mentioned that she had never had a cookie made from scratch. I know it's a long distance from cookies to Jesus, but maybe if they have a question in the future about Christianity, or the meaning of Christmas, they will come to me.
Later on, P. noticed on my desk a calendar that E. gave me, called 'small miracles'. The front of the calendar had a statement explaining that Jewish holidays start in the evening. Both the title and the Jewish reference caught P's eye, and he asked me what it was, and whether I was Jewish. So I had a chance to naturally and conversationally mention that the calendar includes Jewish holidays, but that I'm Christian, and interested in miracles.
So I brought in some Christmas cookies today, and referred to them as 'Christmas cookies' when I invited my co-workers to share them. Since I had taken Friday off, to bake, my team-mates were interested to hear my 'Christmas Cookie Day' tradition. They asked curiously if we used the pre-packaged dough that is advertised on TV, and they were astounded to find out that we actually make the cookies from scratch. H. even mentioned that she had never had a cookie made from scratch. I know it's a long distance from cookies to Jesus, but maybe if they have a question in the future about Christianity, or the meaning of Christmas, they will come to me.
Later on, P. noticed on my desk a calendar that E. gave me, called 'small miracles'. The front of the calendar had a statement explaining that Jewish holidays start in the evening. Both the title and the Jewish reference caught P's eye, and he asked me what it was, and whether I was Jewish. So I had a chance to naturally and conversationally mention that the calendar includes Jewish holidays, but that I'm Christian, and interested in miracles.
Monday, December 15, 2003
More thoughts about multi-culturalism
Every once in a while, something happens at work that reminds me of how multicultural the department is. The day before Thanksgiving, one of my co-workers asked me if there was any meaning or origin to the holiday. And I suddenly realized that he didn't grow up sitting around the table at Thanksgiving. He doesn't have a family tradition of what kind of stuffing to cook, or whether or not the sweet potatoes have marshmallows on top. He never dressed up like a pilgrim in third grade. I gave a rather lame explanation, but afterwards I realized that all American holidays might be opportunities for conversation.
The firm is so politically correct that I'm afraid to initiate any conversations, or even to ask sincere questions about their culture. So I need to get better at responding to openings when they ask me something. Occasionally they will ask me a question about American culture or religion. But most discussions are work related. Maybe I can learn to run with those questions, and engage in an actual conversation.
Many of my co-workers are vegetarian. They generally eat eggs and dairy products, but not meat or fish. Most wear Western clothes (although the women occasionally wear Saris), but some have dots or other designs on their foreheads and/or scalps. I assume that many are Hindu, but I don't really know. And the most confusing thing is the way they rock their heads from side to side to indicate 'yes'. It's funny, because we don't realize that responses such as nodding or shaking the head are not instinctive, but are actually learned behavior. I'm always afraid that I'll inadvertently do something offensive. So I bend over backwards to be respectful and polite, and I'm afraid that it will come across as fake.
I need God to soften my heart, and give me a true love for those around me.
The firm is so politically correct that I'm afraid to initiate any conversations, or even to ask sincere questions about their culture. So I need to get better at responding to openings when they ask me something. Occasionally they will ask me a question about American culture or religion. But most discussions are work related. Maybe I can learn to run with those questions, and engage in an actual conversation.
Many of my co-workers are vegetarian. They generally eat eggs and dairy products, but not meat or fish. Most wear Western clothes (although the women occasionally wear Saris), but some have dots or other designs on their foreheads and/or scalps. I assume that many are Hindu, but I don't really know. And the most confusing thing is the way they rock their heads from side to side to indicate 'yes'. It's funny, because we don't realize that responses such as nodding or shaking the head are not instinctive, but are actually learned behavior. I'm always afraid that I'll inadvertently do something offensive. So I bend over backwards to be respectful and polite, and I'm afraid that it will come across as fake.
I need God to soften my heart, and give me a true love for those around me.
I hate to fly
It always seems implausible to me that a jet plane can actually stay up in the sky. I know intellectually that it is safe, but it doesn't feel safe. Usually, I make it through by reminding myself that thousands of flights arrive successfully every day. But in bad weather, the possibilities of disaster overwhelm me.
Last night, my flight was turbulent. Due to heavy winds (not even mentioning the rain in the sky and the snow on the ground), the pilot had the flight attendants strap themselves in for almost the last hour of the flight. And as I experienced the swooping of the plane, and heard and felt strange sounds and vibrations, I became more and more scared. And yet I knew that it was irrational -- not just because of the industry safety record, but because I'm a child of God, and know that my life is in His hands. I knew that He has the power to calm the storm, that he has the power to safely land the plane even without calming the storm, and that even if the plane didn't land safely, that my eternal destiny is assured. But I was still scared. So prayed, but I was still scared. So I tried to distract myself by working on my next Bible memory verse. Ha! Irony of ironies, I was on Ephesians 4:14.
Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming.
No, I don't think the verse was meant to apply to plane travel, but I also don't think it was a coincidence. I think it was meant to remind me that I have a long way to go to maturity, and that growth is not easy.
Last night, my flight was turbulent. Due to heavy winds (not even mentioning the rain in the sky and the snow on the ground), the pilot had the flight attendants strap themselves in for almost the last hour of the flight. And as I experienced the swooping of the plane, and heard and felt strange sounds and vibrations, I became more and more scared. And yet I knew that it was irrational -- not just because of the industry safety record, but because I'm a child of God, and know that my life is in His hands. I knew that He has the power to calm the storm, that he has the power to safely land the plane even without calming the storm, and that even if the plane didn't land safely, that my eternal destiny is assured. But I was still scared. So prayed, but I was still scared. So I tried to distract myself by working on my next Bible memory verse. Ha! Irony of ironies, I was on Ephesians 4:14.
Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming.
No, I don't think the verse was meant to apply to plane travel, but I also don't think it was a coincidence. I think it was meant to remind me that I have a long way to go to maturity, and that growth is not easy.
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Preparing for the final
Now I'm frustrated again.
We still don't have our results back from the mid-term, and the Final is tomorrow. I would like to have more feedback, to understand how short, or wordy, or precise, or descriptive the short answers are supposed to be. I'd like to understand more about the style of how the tests are created. The midterm irritated me, because some of the questions were worded ambiguously. I'm still trying to figure out how precisely to read the questions. If they are worded differently from the lecture, are we supposed to pick up on the difference, and call it a false statement, or are we supposed to recognize that the topic was discussed, and call it True? I'm still confident that I did well, because I had studied a lot, and knew the material. But I would like to feel that I was studying in an efficient way, and that my grade would reflect my knowledge.
And, to top it off, I'm having trouble getting the new book for next semester. It's not listed yet in the Columbus bookstore; it's not available from CBD; Amazon's estimated delivery date is Jan 1-9; and Church Smart Resources doesn't answer the phone. Of course, it's not actually a problem yet -- I can always go ahead and do the reading from the other books first. I'm projecting anxiety about future quarters. Oops. This sounds extremely 'SJ' (Meyers Briggs) and 'C' (Disc) of me. I can recognize that I don't need to be as anxious as I am, but there is a delayed reaction before I realize it inside.
Actually, I should admit that so far the work hasn't been as hard as I expected. I was afraid that it would be unmanageable, and that I would be studying every waking second that I wasn't at work. But it's really not that bad. Compared to the work I did in graduate school, this is both more interesting and less demanding. Ha! It feels great to confess that in writing.
We still don't have our results back from the mid-term, and the Final is tomorrow. I would like to have more feedback, to understand how short, or wordy, or precise, or descriptive the short answers are supposed to be. I'd like to understand more about the style of how the tests are created. The midterm irritated me, because some of the questions were worded ambiguously. I'm still trying to figure out how precisely to read the questions. If they are worded differently from the lecture, are we supposed to pick up on the difference, and call it a false statement, or are we supposed to recognize that the topic was discussed, and call it True? I'm still confident that I did well, because I had studied a lot, and knew the material. But I would like to feel that I was studying in an efficient way, and that my grade would reflect my knowledge.
And, to top it off, I'm having trouble getting the new book for next semester. It's not listed yet in the Columbus bookstore; it's not available from CBD; Amazon's estimated delivery date is Jan 1-9; and Church Smart Resources doesn't answer the phone. Of course, it's not actually a problem yet -- I can always go ahead and do the reading from the other books first. I'm projecting anxiety about future quarters. Oops. This sounds extremely 'SJ' (Meyers Briggs) and 'C' (Disc) of me. I can recognize that I don't need to be as anxious as I am, but there is a delayed reaction before I realize it inside.
Actually, I should admit that so far the work hasn't been as hard as I expected. I was afraid that it would be unmanageable, and that I would be studying every waking second that I wasn't at work. But it's really not that bad. Compared to the work I did in graduate school, this is both more interesting and less demanding. Ha! It feels great to confess that in writing.
Have you seen the movie? No, but I've read the book.
My whole life, I've been a reader. From grade-school on, classmates delighted in asking me if I had seen a particular movie, and invariably my answer was "no, but I've read the book". It's not that I dislike movies in general -- I have some favorites that I really enjoy. But I usually only go to the movies a few time a year. So this is another area where I'm on a different wavelength from normal American culture. Somehow, every interaction I have feels cross-cultural to me.
Anyway, here is a partial list of titles that I view as books, while the rest of the country assumes they are movies.
I have to confess something. I simply don't 'get' animated films. I don't grasp the appeal. Of course, it is dangerous for me to say this, because invariably someone thinks that if I watch their favorite film with them, that I will share their joy. But I still don't get it. It's as if it's in a language I don't know.
But my funniest eposode about books vs movies occurred at work, a number of years ago. Knowing that I am involved in church activities, a co-worker was trying to make conversation, and asked if I had watched the movie "The Bible". It was irresistable. I couldn't help myself. I answered her truthfully:
"No, but I've read the book".
Anyway, here is a partial list of titles that I view as books, while the rest of the country assumes they are movies.
- Mary Poppins
- Mutiny on the Bounty
- The Christmas Carol (ok, I've finally seen the movie)
- Jaws (this was not a literary success -- I read the book that was made from the movie)
- To Kill a Mockingbird
- Bridge on the River Kwai
- Wizard of Oz (I finally managed to see this on TV when I was in high school, but I didn't find out until I was around 30 that the Emeral City suddenly shows up in green, since I watched on a black and white set)
- Gone with the wind (yes, I finally saw it)
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
- Pinocchio
- The jungle book
- Sleeping Beauty
- Cinderella
- The fellowship of the Ring
- Dr Doolittle
- Jayne Eyre
- Lost Horizon
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (they changed the movie title to Willie Wonka, but I remember it as Charlie)
I have to confess something. I simply don't 'get' animated films. I don't grasp the appeal. Of course, it is dangerous for me to say this, because invariably someone thinks that if I watch their favorite film with them, that I will share their joy. But I still don't get it. It's as if it's in a language I don't know.
But my funniest eposode about books vs movies occurred at work, a number of years ago. Knowing that I am involved in church activities, a co-worker was trying to make conversation, and asked if I had watched the movie "The Bible". It was irresistable. I couldn't help myself. I answered her truthfully:
"No, but I've read the book".
Monday, December 01, 2003
Acts & Missions - Recap
The final exam is tomorrow, and my head is in a whirl.
There are the things I'm studying for the test, and the things I've actually learned. In a perfect world, these would be identical sets.
Here's what I'm studying right now: the places (and verses) where Paul learned certain missionary lessons.
Here is what I've actually learned: that nothing should be a hindrance to preaching the gospel.
What I'm studying: That of the 12 purposes for signs in mission work, 5 of them have keywords that start with the letter 'P'.
What I've learned: "People's amazement is not the faith, but may lead to faith". Or may not.
I'm studying: the essential nature of missions, in the ministry of Jesus.
I've learned: that while my personality is ill-suited to cross-cultural ministry, I need to pray that God would give me grace to be fruitful in my current environment. Without traveling more than my daily commute, I'm surrounded by people who were born all over the world. I would be surprised if more than 20% of my co-workers are American. For some reason, it wasn't until the end of this quarter that it suddenly occurred to me that the very situation in which I was complaining about being a minority, could actually be something God had planned. How could I have been so blind! And what will I do now? Help! I need grace!
There are the things I'm studying for the test, and the things I've actually learned. In a perfect world, these would be identical sets.
Here's what I'm studying right now: the places (and verses) where Paul learned certain missionary lessons.
Here is what I've actually learned: that nothing should be a hindrance to preaching the gospel.
What I'm studying: That of the 12 purposes for signs in mission work, 5 of them have keywords that start with the letter 'P'.
What I've learned: "People's amazement is not the faith, but may lead to faith". Or may not.
I'm studying: the essential nature of missions, in the ministry of Jesus.
I've learned: that while my personality is ill-suited to cross-cultural ministry, I need to pray that God would give me grace to be fruitful in my current environment. Without traveling more than my daily commute, I'm surrounded by people who were born all over the world. I would be surprised if more than 20% of my co-workers are American. For some reason, it wasn't until the end of this quarter that it suddenly occurred to me that the very situation in which I was complaining about being a minority, could actually be something God had planned. How could I have been so blind! And what will I do now? Help! I need grace!
Saturday, November 29, 2003
A funny thing about Blogspot
Have you ever noticed that the ads on top of the page actually pertain to the subject matter of the blogs?
This works well as long as I keep all the topics explicitly spiritual -- if anyone is reading this, they might actually like to order a Christian book by Francis Frangipane, for example, or buy a Bible.
It doesn't work as well when I talk about outreaches. Actually, it was fine as long as I talked about Christian outreaches in general. However, my blog of Nov 17 got more specific (I'm afraid to mention the topic again, for fear that I will perpetuate the problem), and now I'm seeing ads for particular cleaning supplies. I've been having a lot of fun checking out Steve's blog in this respect. He alternates between carefully crafted Christian essays, and brilliant comical satire. The poor ads just can't figure out what to do. This morning, I saw that he has a blog about life's most embarrassing moments, and the ad tried to come up with a blend of Christianity and humor, and is now promoting 'Christmas songs that tickle your funny bone'. That was a better fit than the day that the page kept showing the Armani ads. I mean, I'm sure Steve would look good in Armani, but I'm reasonably confident that his reading audience is not about to run out and buy Armani. Oh no, I just realized that in my attempt to quickly write another blog in order to turn off the 'T' outreach ads, I'm now going to get the fashion ads instead.
Actually, it's amazing how good computers are getting about figuring out what we're interested in. Having bought over 100 books from Amazon, their recommendations for me are really good. But I was quite disconcerted the day that they showed me another reader's list of books required for VLI. I figured it must be another acronym, such as Vermont Lumber Institute, but I clicked on the link and sure enough, they had figured out that I was interested in the Vineyard Leadership Institute. I was suddenly seeing Ladd's Theology of the New Testament, as well as Drane's Introducing the New Testament. (Notice how I cleverly inserted some Christian terms, in order to sway the ads that show up next? However, my attempt has not yet worked -- I think it pays more attention to the titles. )
This works well as long as I keep all the topics explicitly spiritual -- if anyone is reading this, they might actually like to order a Christian book by Francis Frangipane, for example, or buy a Bible.
It doesn't work as well when I talk about outreaches. Actually, it was fine as long as I talked about Christian outreaches in general. However, my blog of Nov 17 got more specific (I'm afraid to mention the topic again, for fear that I will perpetuate the problem), and now I'm seeing ads for particular cleaning supplies. I've been having a lot of fun checking out Steve's blog in this respect. He alternates between carefully crafted Christian essays, and brilliant comical satire. The poor ads just can't figure out what to do. This morning, I saw that he has a blog about life's most embarrassing moments, and the ad tried to come up with a blend of Christianity and humor, and is now promoting 'Christmas songs that tickle your funny bone'. That was a better fit than the day that the page kept showing the Armani ads. I mean, I'm sure Steve would look good in Armani, but I'm reasonably confident that his reading audience is not about to run out and buy Armani. Oh no, I just realized that in my attempt to quickly write another blog in order to turn off the 'T' outreach ads, I'm now going to get the fashion ads instead.
Actually, it's amazing how good computers are getting about figuring out what we're interested in. Having bought over 100 books from Amazon, their recommendations for me are really good. But I was quite disconcerted the day that they showed me another reader's list of books required for VLI. I figured it must be another acronym, such as Vermont Lumber Institute, but I clicked on the link and sure enough, they had figured out that I was interested in the Vineyard Leadership Institute. I was suddenly seeing Ladd's Theology of the New Testament, as well as Drane's Introducing the New Testament. (Notice how I cleverly inserted some Christian terms, in order to sway the ads that show up next? However, my attempt has not yet worked -- I think it pays more attention to the titles. )
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Do you know what MRED means?
We just finished a class on Missions, and a mentoring unit on Evangelism. Sometimes I feel like such a foreigner in my own culture, that the idea of trying to reach beyond that is really stressful. The very idea of cross-cultural ministry exhausts me. I'm still trying to find a place where I feel at home myself. I think everyone has a right to be eccentric if they want to be, but I hate being eccentric by mistake!
Some of this is attributable to growing up without watching TV. I know all the arguments pro and con, but in my experience, it left me without the set of common experiences that all Americans assume that everyone else knows.
I remember one time when I riding the train doing the crossword puzzle. I had filled in all the 'across' answers for one corner, but I still didn't understand the 'down' clue. So I mentioned to my friend Pat (a foreign-born co-worker), "I don't know what 'MRED' is. " I pronounced it: EM-Red. She glanced over at the paper and patiently explained to me that "TV's talking horse" was 'Mr Ed' ". Oh.
Sometimes I pick things up second hand. I can hum that little theme from the 'Twilight zone', even though I have no idea what the show was about, and have never actually heard the real theme, only other people humming it. I've learned that you hum this when you think something odd is happening. And then there is also that ominous theme that means something bad is going to happen: dum da-dum dum DUM. I have no idea what that is actually from, but I know how to use it. I can understand references to 'Leave it to Beaver' and 'Father knows best'. I've mainly learned these from context, usually in sermons, describing how society has changed in the past few decades.
I'm probably the only person in New York who wasn't a Seinfeld fan. So when I innocently started relating a true lunchtime story about this place in New York where the guy abuses you when you stand in line waiting to buy his soup, it must have been inevitable that the person I was talking to thought I was poorly relating the episode of the Soup Nazi, and tried to correct me, by adding details that hadn't actually happened that day. Eventually we straightened it out. And by the way, the guy really does scream at you to "step to the left", and people stand on line in the rain and take his abuse.
And I've never understood why people do that thing with their fingers behind someone's head when you snap a picture. What does it mean? Why does everyone think it's funny? Why am I the only 45 year old in America who is not in on the joke? Last week I noticed that when people gesture as if they are holding a telephone, they stick out their pinky and thumb, to represent the phone itself. How does everyone except me know that this is the 'right' way to symbolize a telephone? I hold my hand curved together as if I'm holding a phone. Where did that thumb and pinky thing start? Where do I buy the secret manual that explains all of this?
And lets not even get into how old I was when I found out that when people mention Spock, they don't mean the pediatrician.
One friend of mine actually suggested that I needed a course of remedial TV watching. However, I have to confess that I'm just not quite interested enough. It's sort of like cleaning my apartment. I like the idea of it being clean, but not quite enough to prioritize my time to work on it. I mean, can you imagine me telling my boss that instead of staying for the whole meeting I have to go home because it's an emergency and I have to watch Nickelodeon?
I've come up with a good technique for learning about some the big shows now. I watch one episode. Frankly, that's all Survivor was worth. But I saw the immunity challenge, and the tribal council, and will now understand the reference if someone says "the Tribe has spoken". And I watched a few episodes of Fear Factor. It was sort of addicting, but finally I had to ask myself what in the world I was watching for, and I had no answer, so I stopped. But at least I will now recognize "Fear is not a factor for you". And I attended a kinship party where we watched the final episode of Seinfeld. I couldn't quite understand what it had to do with kinship, but it was a highly efficient way of catching up, because it had flashbacks to many prior shows.
But all in all, I can't believe how much of a foreigner I feel in my own country. It reminds me of an old science fiction story, in which there was an alien who was trying to pass as a human being. He had studied human behavior, so he could try to fake it. And he was finally caught out because he failed to do something that was instinctive for gentlemen wearing suits -- he didn't have that little knack of hitching up the knees just as he sat down, to avoid stretching out the crease. I feel like the alien who watches to try to copy 'normal' behavior, but who will eventually get caught.
Keep watching my blog for entries about being a foreigner in my own country. Food and movies and music and religion and weddings will make great categories.
P.S. I do actually watch some TV now, if I happen to be home: 60 minutes; ER; 20/20; Everybody loves Raymond; Judging Amy.
Some of this is attributable to growing up without watching TV. I know all the arguments pro and con, but in my experience, it left me without the set of common experiences that all Americans assume that everyone else knows.
I remember one time when I riding the train doing the crossword puzzle. I had filled in all the 'across' answers for one corner, but I still didn't understand the 'down' clue. So I mentioned to my friend Pat (a foreign-born co-worker), "I don't know what 'MRED' is. " I pronounced it: EM-Red. She glanced over at the paper and patiently explained to me that "TV's talking horse" was 'Mr Ed' ". Oh.
Sometimes I pick things up second hand. I can hum that little theme from the 'Twilight zone', even though I have no idea what the show was about, and have never actually heard the real theme, only other people humming it. I've learned that you hum this when you think something odd is happening. And then there is also that ominous theme that means something bad is going to happen: dum da-dum dum DUM. I have no idea what that is actually from, but I know how to use it. I can understand references to 'Leave it to Beaver' and 'Father knows best'. I've mainly learned these from context, usually in sermons, describing how society has changed in the past few decades.
I'm probably the only person in New York who wasn't a Seinfeld fan. So when I innocently started relating a true lunchtime story about this place in New York where the guy abuses you when you stand in line waiting to buy his soup, it must have been inevitable that the person I was talking to thought I was poorly relating the episode of the Soup Nazi, and tried to correct me, by adding details that hadn't actually happened that day. Eventually we straightened it out. And by the way, the guy really does scream at you to "step to the left", and people stand on line in the rain and take his abuse.
And I've never understood why people do that thing with their fingers behind someone's head when you snap a picture. What does it mean? Why does everyone think it's funny? Why am I the only 45 year old in America who is not in on the joke? Last week I noticed that when people gesture as if they are holding a telephone, they stick out their pinky and thumb, to represent the phone itself. How does everyone except me know that this is the 'right' way to symbolize a telephone? I hold my hand curved together as if I'm holding a phone. Where did that thumb and pinky thing start? Where do I buy the secret manual that explains all of this?
And lets not even get into how old I was when I found out that when people mention Spock, they don't mean the pediatrician.
One friend of mine actually suggested that I needed a course of remedial TV watching. However, I have to confess that I'm just not quite interested enough. It's sort of like cleaning my apartment. I like the idea of it being clean, but not quite enough to prioritize my time to work on it. I mean, can you imagine me telling my boss that instead of staying for the whole meeting I have to go home because it's an emergency and I have to watch Nickelodeon?
I've come up with a good technique for learning about some the big shows now. I watch one episode. Frankly, that's all Survivor was worth. But I saw the immunity challenge, and the tribal council, and will now understand the reference if someone says "the Tribe has spoken". And I watched a few episodes of Fear Factor. It was sort of addicting, but finally I had to ask myself what in the world I was watching for, and I had no answer, so I stopped. But at least I will now recognize "Fear is not a factor for you". And I attended a kinship party where we watched the final episode of Seinfeld. I couldn't quite understand what it had to do with kinship, but it was a highly efficient way of catching up, because it had flashbacks to many prior shows.
But all in all, I can't believe how much of a foreigner I feel in my own country. It reminds me of an old science fiction story, in which there was an alien who was trying to pass as a human being. He had studied human behavior, so he could try to fake it. And he was finally caught out because he failed to do something that was instinctive for gentlemen wearing suits -- he didn't have that little knack of hitching up the knees just as he sat down, to avoid stretching out the crease. I feel like the alien who watches to try to copy 'normal' behavior, but who will eventually get caught.
Keep watching my blog for entries about being a foreigner in my own country. Food and movies and music and religion and weddings will make great categories.
P.S. I do actually watch some TV now, if I happen to be home: 60 minutes; ER; 20/20; Everybody loves Raymond; Judging Amy.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Is it possible to be too high a 'C'?
Well, that's a trick question.
Since I'm a 'C', I value the attributes that 'C's have, and I think they are important characteristics. I even think the world would be better off if everybody acted more 'C'. Careful, cautious, accurate -- what's not to like?
But even I can recognize that I pretty much break the scale. How did this revelation come to me? I think it was when I emailed VLI to tell them to correct...a footnote in the syllabus. It did occur to me that most people probably don't read the footnotes (if they even read the syllabus!). Or if they read it they wouldn't notice the error. Or if they notice the error they wouldn't feel compelled to correct it. But I kept thinking of poor Christina Rossetti who was not getting proper credit for her poem (not to mention the fact that the poem itself had two extra words stuck in, which break the meter).
At least this was more satisfying than the time I caught an error on Jeopardy. The question (or answer, in Jeopardy terminology) had to do with an Agatha Christie title. The book was published with different titles in the US and in England. One of the contestants responded with the British title of the relevant work, and was told he was wrong, and I ran over to the bookcase and checked, and confirmed that he was actually correct. However, I could not figure out whom to contact. So it still bugs me that he was not given credit for his answer.
Actually, this whole personality thing kind of bugs me. I think it would be a lot more fun to run around being the idea person, and starting things, and having other people do the work, and I get tired of being the responsible one who plods along. But where are the high 'S's and high 'C's that would be needed to pick up the pieces? I think of the Christian coffeehouse that we had at our church. My friend D. sailed in and said "Let's do this" but fizzled out pretty quickly. And K and I buckled down and made it work. But I kind of resent the personality that doesn't worry about following through or doing the work. I end up feeling inhibited in terms of even having ideas, because the work that would be neccessary to accomplish them overwhelms me. I wonder how many visionary ideas I might have if I didn't censor them up front, out of fear that I'd have to do all the work?
Since I'm a 'C', I value the attributes that 'C's have, and I think they are important characteristics. I even think the world would be better off if everybody acted more 'C'. Careful, cautious, accurate -- what's not to like?
But even I can recognize that I pretty much break the scale. How did this revelation come to me? I think it was when I emailed VLI to tell them to correct...a footnote in the syllabus. It did occur to me that most people probably don't read the footnotes (if they even read the syllabus!). Or if they read it they wouldn't notice the error. Or if they notice the error they wouldn't feel compelled to correct it. But I kept thinking of poor Christina Rossetti who was not getting proper credit for her poem (not to mention the fact that the poem itself had two extra words stuck in, which break the meter).
At least this was more satisfying than the time I caught an error on Jeopardy. The question (or answer, in Jeopardy terminology) had to do with an Agatha Christie title. The book was published with different titles in the US and in England. One of the contestants responded with the British title of the relevant work, and was told he was wrong, and I ran over to the bookcase and checked, and confirmed that he was actually correct. However, I could not figure out whom to contact. So it still bugs me that he was not given credit for his answer.
Actually, this whole personality thing kind of bugs me. I think it would be a lot more fun to run around being the idea person, and starting things, and having other people do the work, and I get tired of being the responsible one who plods along. But where are the high 'S's and high 'C's that would be needed to pick up the pieces? I think of the Christian coffeehouse that we had at our church. My friend D. sailed in and said "Let's do this" but fizzled out pretty quickly. And K and I buckled down and made it work. But I kind of resent the personality that doesn't worry about following through or doing the work. I end up feeling inhibited in terms of even having ideas, because the work that would be neccessary to accomplish them overwhelms me. I wonder how many visionary ideas I might have if I didn't censor them up front, out of fear that I'd have to do all the work?
Monday, November 17, 2003
Yesterday was World Toilet Day
I'm not making this up.
The holiday started in Singapore, and they encourage everyone to prepare by cleaning their toilets, and then running around judging and giving feedbat on everyone else's toilet, and teaching toilet etiquette.
So it was pretty comical that our toilet cleaning outreach happened to coincide with preparation for world toilet day.
Global holidays aside, this was actually our most satisfying outreach, believe it or not. It definitely caught people's attention. They totally couldn't figure us out. Mike had the great idea to go first to the merchants who had donated products for the Teen event the night before. So we walked in, and Mike said "thank you for helping us with our event last night. And now we would like to bless you...by cleaning your restroom". Too bad we didn't have a camera to capture people's responses. Some of the expressions were priceless.
After we went to the merchants that the church already had a relationship with, we went to the New Age shop. The women running the store were very pleasant, but understandably confused as to why we were marching in with toilet brush in hand. And it puzzled them even more when we refused to accept a donation after we finished cleaning. But I felt that we made a connection with them.
Then we went to the Christian Science reading room. The woman on duty didn't feel she could let us in the back to clean, however she was actually the one person we encountered all morning who instantly grasped the concept of what we were doing. She said with amazement "oh, that's real humility. It's like Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. But people don't really need their feet washed anymore so you do this instead". And since we weren't able to clean her bathroom, we offered to pray for her instead. And there too, I felt we made a real connection.
In case anyone else is inspired by this and wants to try a restroom outreach, here are some equipment suggestions: Rubber gloves, one scrub brush, a toilet brush, a sponge, all purpose disinfectant cleaner, toilet cleaner, mirror cleaner. You need much more paper towels than you think (because a lot of the surfaces are too dirty to even want to use a sponge), and lots of the disinfectant.
The holiday started in Singapore, and they encourage everyone to prepare by cleaning their toilets, and then running around judging and giving feedbat on everyone else's toilet, and teaching toilet etiquette.
So it was pretty comical that our toilet cleaning outreach happened to coincide with preparation for world toilet day.
Global holidays aside, this was actually our most satisfying outreach, believe it or not. It definitely caught people's attention. They totally couldn't figure us out. Mike had the great idea to go first to the merchants who had donated products for the Teen event the night before. So we walked in, and Mike said "thank you for helping us with our event last night. And now we would like to bless you...by cleaning your restroom". Too bad we didn't have a camera to capture people's responses. Some of the expressions were priceless.
After we went to the merchants that the church already had a relationship with, we went to the New Age shop. The women running the store were very pleasant, but understandably confused as to why we were marching in with toilet brush in hand. And it puzzled them even more when we refused to accept a donation after we finished cleaning. But I felt that we made a connection with them.
Then we went to the Christian Science reading room. The woman on duty didn't feel she could let us in the back to clean, however she was actually the one person we encountered all morning who instantly grasped the concept of what we were doing. She said with amazement "oh, that's real humility. It's like Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. But people don't really need their feet washed anymore so you do this instead". And since we weren't able to clean her bathroom, we offered to pray for her instead. And there too, I felt we made a real connection.
In case anyone else is inspired by this and wants to try a restroom outreach, here are some equipment suggestions: Rubber gloves, one scrub brush, a toilet brush, a sponge, all purpose disinfectant cleaner, toilet cleaner, mirror cleaner. You need much more paper towels than you think (because a lot of the surfaces are too dirty to even want to use a sponge), and lots of the disinfectant.
Friday, November 14, 2003
More about Personality
I'm still laughing about my profile characteristics. I confess, I like agendas. They help get the task accomplished. In fact, I even made an agenda for our toilet cleaning outreach tomorrow. OK, I realize that's a little excessive. But it satisfies me to know that we have a plan, and a schedule, and that we'll get our supplies, and by lunchtime we'll be DONE.
I'm the kind of person who will actually add tasks I've already completed to a list, just so I have the satisfaction of checking them off. I guess that's not too unusual (for people who even make lists, that is). But I also do a variation of that. Since my lists are always too long, and I never finish everything on this list, it is always a source of stress for me. So I compensate by adding even more items to the list, but things I know that I will complete, so that it improves my completion percentage. Sigh. Somehow, that didn't feel as obsessive before I put it into words.
What I really want to know is how to turn into the kind of person who still makes lists, but whose lists are human sized, so they actually get finished. That would be perfect.
Even though I'm an 'Inspector' according to Myers Briggs, in some ways (or on some topics) the description I resonate to even more is 'Mastermind', but the name is impossible. Can you imagine me walking around whining that I'm really a mastermind, but the test came out wrong? That sounds like a sociopath in a bad movie. The part about alternate plans is totally me. After all, how many people even know about (much less care about) the difference between risk mitigation and contingency planning? And I'm definitely a 'system builder', and 'perfectionist', with lack of understanding of social rituals, and a need for privacy. On the 'Inspector' side, I can see myself in 'dependable', 'responsible', and 'trustworthy'.
I'm the kind of person who will actually add tasks I've already completed to a list, just so I have the satisfaction of checking them off. I guess that's not too unusual (for people who even make lists, that is). But I also do a variation of that. Since my lists are always too long, and I never finish everything on this list, it is always a source of stress for me. So I compensate by adding even more items to the list, but things I know that I will complete, so that it improves my completion percentage. Sigh. Somehow, that didn't feel as obsessive before I put it into words.
What I really want to know is how to turn into the kind of person who still makes lists, but whose lists are human sized, so they actually get finished. That would be perfect.
Even though I'm an 'Inspector' according to Myers Briggs, in some ways (or on some topics) the description I resonate to even more is 'Mastermind', but the name is impossible. Can you imagine me walking around whining that I'm really a mastermind, but the test came out wrong? That sounds like a sociopath in a bad movie. The part about alternate plans is totally me. After all, how many people even know about (much less care about) the difference between risk mitigation and contingency planning? And I'm definitely a 'system builder', and 'perfectionist', with lack of understanding of social rituals, and a need for privacy. On the 'Inspector' side, I can see myself in 'dependable', 'responsible', and 'trustworthy'.
Everyone think's he's a character...and now we can prove it.
It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who knows me, that according to DISC I'm a High 'C/S', and according to Myers Briggs I'm an ISTJ.
However, I find that when I take these tests on various occasions the highs and lows are always consistent, but the weaker characteristics occasionally vary.
So in DISC, I am always High C, and Low I, but the relative intensity of D and S fluctuates a little.
In Myers Briggs, I am always I, ? ,T, J, but while I'm usually 'S', sometimes I tie with 'N'.
Of course, I was too eager to wait for the class materials, so I tried the online versions first, and found that they work pretty well to at least correlate your general pattern. Here is a link to a DISC test: DISC The results will map to your high and low points, however the interpretation page is a little odd, because of the way they map the scores to percentages -- this seems off to me, since I bet hardly anyone would show up as 'high' in this methodology.
For the Myers Briggs, try
Myers Briggs
But if you don't have the patience to take either of those test, here is a test with only 4 questions, that is pretty accurate! Try the quick, Bloginality test. It's sort of a compressed Myers Briggs.
However, I find that when I take these tests on various occasions the highs and lows are always consistent, but the weaker characteristics occasionally vary.
So in DISC, I am always High C, and Low I, but the relative intensity of D and S fluctuates a little.
In Myers Briggs, I am always I, ? ,T, J, but while I'm usually 'S', sometimes I tie with 'N'.
Of course, I was too eager to wait for the class materials, so I tried the online versions first, and found that they work pretty well to at least correlate your general pattern. Here is a link to a DISC test: DISC The results will map to your high and low points, however the interpretation page is a little odd, because of the way they map the scores to percentages -- this seems off to me, since I bet hardly anyone would show up as 'high' in this methodology.
For the Myers Briggs, try
Myers Briggs
But if you don't have the patience to take either of those test, here is a test with only 4 questions, that is pretty accurate! Try the quick, Bloginality test. It's sort of a compressed Myers Briggs.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
chomping at the bit
So now I'm chomping at the bit because we haven't received any materials yet for the next classes, and I want to start studying. After all, the next test is in less than a month, and my study habit is slow and steady, rather than learning a lot at the end. I actually went online and tried an online DISC. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who knows me that I'm a high C/S. No wonder I'm always trying to teach people, but don't always notice whether they are interested! No wonder I'm trying to research what the DISC is. No wonder I find it normal to study more than the other people in class. No wonder I'm cautious about starting things, because it can be overwhelming to have to do everything well, and to finish everything. No wonder I think I need a kinship apprentice who is an 'I'.
And as I listened to the first MP3, I started laughing when the teacher said that a high S/C will have an agenda for everything. As a C/S, that makes sense to me, too of course! why would anyone want it any other way? I did agendas for the coffeehouse meetings, for example. We methodically discussed decorations, refreshments, sound system, advertising, and bands. It's a little disconcerting to realize that even my strong points are not 'normal'.
And as I listened to the first MP3, I started laughing when the teacher said that a high S/C will have an agenda for everything. As a C/S, that makes sense to me, too of course! why would anyone want it any other way? I did agendas for the coffeehouse meetings, for example. We methodically discussed decorations, refreshments, sound system, advertising, and bands. It's a little disconcerting to realize that even my strong points are not 'normal'.
A sigh of relief.
The first test is over.
It was both easier and more frustrating than I expected. The test preview was tremendously helpful. It really is true that 95% of the test was on the preview. The frustrating part was that some of the questions were ambiguous. Several times, I felt that I really knew the answer, but wasn't sure what the test wanted. For example, if something was phrased a little differently on the test from how it was stated in class, is that the same, or is that different? There were times when I absolutely remembered what was taught, but I'm still not sure if I answered 'correctly'.
In all honesty, I really enjoyed studying for this. I keep having to catch myself, because I've been going around trying to share my newfound 'wisdom', and I'm not sure my co-workers are as interested as I am. That was putting it euphamistically. I'm actually sure they are not, although they have been surprisingly accepting so far! They would rather talk about whether the notional exchange for a cross currency swap has one settlement or two, and whether you need a spot or a forward so your currencies net out. And I used that example on purpose, because it is probably as thrilling and comprehensible to anyone reading this, as a discussion of the differences between the synoptic gospels is to my co-workers.
It was both easier and more frustrating than I expected. The test preview was tremendously helpful. It really is true that 95% of the test was on the preview. The frustrating part was that some of the questions were ambiguous. Several times, I felt that I really knew the answer, but wasn't sure what the test wanted. For example, if something was phrased a little differently on the test from how it was stated in class, is that the same, or is that different? There were times when I absolutely remembered what was taught, but I'm still not sure if I answered 'correctly'.
In all honesty, I really enjoyed studying for this. I keep having to catch myself, because I've been going around trying to share my newfound 'wisdom', and I'm not sure my co-workers are as interested as I am. That was putting it euphamistically. I'm actually sure they are not, although they have been surprisingly accepting so far! They would rather talk about whether the notional exchange for a cross currency swap has one settlement or two, and whether you need a spot or a forward so your currencies net out. And I used that example on purpose, because it is probably as thrilling and comprehensible to anyone reading this, as a discussion of the differences between the synoptic gospels is to my co-workers.
Sunday, November 02, 2003
What's my motivation?
No, it's not a line from an acting class, it's a reminder to myself that even as I study for the test, I need to be keeping my eye on the goal: becoming equipped for service, and maturing my character. I have to keep resisting the temptation to turn the test into the goal.
This seems to be the right time in my life for me to be studying the spiritual disciplines. In the past, I was too intimidated and defensive to even want to read about them, much less practice them. And now I find myself delighted when I see change in myself. For example, at the beginning of the quarter Steve challenged us to listen with an expectant heart to the proclaimed word, whether it was a sermon, a kinship teaching, or whatever. And in the most amazing 'coincidence', I find that everyone around me is suddenly preaching better!
I just came upon a great quote by Thomas Merton, excerpted from Thoughts in Solitude. He wrote: The fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
This seems to be the right time in my life for me to be studying the spiritual disciplines. In the past, I was too intimidated and defensive to even want to read about them, much less practice them. And now I find myself delighted when I see change in myself. For example, at the beginning of the quarter Steve challenged us to listen with an expectant heart to the proclaimed word, whether it was a sermon, a kinship teaching, or whatever. And in the most amazing 'coincidence', I find that everyone around me is suddenly preaching better!
I just came upon a great quote by Thomas Merton, excerpted from Thoughts in Solitude. He wrote: The fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
Friday, October 31, 2003
More Outreach Angst
Just as I realized that I can survive the outreaches after all, the level of challenge is rising, and not exactly in the way I expected.
So far, our outreaches have basically had the theme of giving something away. The 'service' aspect was not particularly difficult (except for people like me who have trouble initiating a conversation, but I've already covered that topic).
I was interested and excited to hear the good report from a fellow VLI student in another church, who planned an outreach to pray for, meet with and talk with an Alpha attendee. A word of knowledge caused this to be an example of power evangelism. That was so cool! I was so psyched! Giving out apple juice seemed tame in comparison. After all, most of our servant evangelism outreaches were giving of the resources of the church more than they were giving of ourselves.
So I asked my mentor for additional ideas. As soon as he opened his mouth, I could tell what was coming. It was like watching an accident. You know that it's going to happen no matter what you do. He suggested going out and... cleaning toilets.
I'm trying to talk myself into this. Actually, my personality shows really clearly in my reaction to this. As unappealing as the task itself may be, my bigger concern is the idea of having to tell someone that I want to clean their toilet. I just can't quite get my brain around this one. I mean, how do you start the conversation? I can visualize myself with my rubber gloves on, brandishing a toilet brush, but I just can't imagine initiating the conversation. Maybe it would go like this. I walk into the restaurant and the waiter greets me saying "Hi, I'm John and I'm going to be your server today." And then I say "Hi, I'm Ann, and I'm going to clean your toilet today". It sort of sounds like a bad line in the kind of movie I don't even like. I'm really going to need a script if we do this. Or maybe I can just beg my partner to do the talking.
And also I can't imagine what I'll say when a friendly co-worker asks me how class is going, and what I've learned lately!
So far, our outreaches have basically had the theme of giving something away. The 'service' aspect was not particularly difficult (except for people like me who have trouble initiating a conversation, but I've already covered that topic).
I was interested and excited to hear the good report from a fellow VLI student in another church, who planned an outreach to pray for, meet with and talk with an Alpha attendee. A word of knowledge caused this to be an example of power evangelism. That was so cool! I was so psyched! Giving out apple juice seemed tame in comparison. After all, most of our servant evangelism outreaches were giving of the resources of the church more than they were giving of ourselves.
So I asked my mentor for additional ideas. As soon as he opened his mouth, I could tell what was coming. It was like watching an accident. You know that it's going to happen no matter what you do. He suggested going out and... cleaning toilets.
I'm trying to talk myself into this. Actually, my personality shows really clearly in my reaction to this. As unappealing as the task itself may be, my bigger concern is the idea of having to tell someone that I want to clean their toilet. I just can't quite get my brain around this one. I mean, how do you start the conversation? I can visualize myself with my rubber gloves on, brandishing a toilet brush, but I just can't imagine initiating the conversation. Maybe it would go like this. I walk into the restaurant and the waiter greets me saying "Hi, I'm John and I'm going to be your server today." And then I say "Hi, I'm Ann, and I'm going to clean your toilet today". It sort of sounds like a bad line in the kind of movie I don't even like. I'm really going to need a script if we do this. Or maybe I can just beg my partner to do the talking.
And also I can't imagine what I'll say when a friendly co-worker asks me how class is going, and what I've learned lately!
Sunday, October 26, 2003
No short-cuts to prayer
John Dalrymple, Simple Prayer, 47:
"The truth is that we only learn to pray all the time everywhere after we have resolutely set about praying some of the time somewhere."
That really cuts to the heart of things, doesn't it? I guess it's part of American culture to look for short-cuts everywhere. We want to multi-task, and figure that if we can pray while we are doing something else, we'll save time. And it's such an insidious deception, because it sounds virtuous, holy even, to say that we pray all the time.
It really annoys me when I'm trying to talk to someone who is doing something else at the same time, and who can't be bothered to pay attention. My old boss used to read and write emails while pretending to listen to me. In my opinion, he did neither activity well! And yet we turn around and do the same thing to God.
So far, my best 'place' to concentrate on prayer is actually when I'm walking. Ironically, it gives me a freedom from distractions that I don't have in my nice, quiet, private apartment. And then I worry about whether praying while walking 'counts' or whether I'm still fooling myself. I have to admit, I was encouraged when I heard that Jonathan Edwards and his wife Sarah both liked to walk alone in the woods or fields, and pray to God. That made it sound legitimate! Then I consider that maybe praying while walking 'counts' if that is the specific purpose of the walk, but doesn't count if I happen to be walking to get to work. Perhaps I'm really a Pharisees in disguise. Help! I need grace!
OK, I'm going to break this off so I can go take a walk!
"The truth is that we only learn to pray all the time everywhere after we have resolutely set about praying some of the time somewhere."
That really cuts to the heart of things, doesn't it? I guess it's part of American culture to look for short-cuts everywhere. We want to multi-task, and figure that if we can pray while we are doing something else, we'll save time. And it's such an insidious deception, because it sounds virtuous, holy even, to say that we pray all the time.
It really annoys me when I'm trying to talk to someone who is doing something else at the same time, and who can't be bothered to pay attention. My old boss used to read and write emails while pretending to listen to me. In my opinion, he did neither activity well! And yet we turn around and do the same thing to God.
So far, my best 'place' to concentrate on prayer is actually when I'm walking. Ironically, it gives me a freedom from distractions that I don't have in my nice, quiet, private apartment. And then I worry about whether praying while walking 'counts' or whether I'm still fooling myself. I have to admit, I was encouraged when I heard that Jonathan Edwards and his wife Sarah both liked to walk alone in the woods or fields, and pray to God. That made it sound legitimate! Then I consider that maybe praying while walking 'counts' if that is the specific purpose of the walk, but doesn't count if I happen to be walking to get to work. Perhaps I'm really a Pharisees in disguise. Help! I need grace!
OK, I'm going to break this off so I can go take a walk!
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Evading God
I've been thinking about what Steve said about evading God when he thinks he is actually reaching out to God, and it occurred to me that I do exactly the same thing. It's amazing how stupid and illogical something sounds when it's about someone else, and how tricky it is when you realize it's about you.
My version of this is that I love to read about prayer. In fact, as soon as Steve recommended it, I immediately ordered Richard Foster's book, Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home. When the book arrived, I eagerly opened the package, and glanced at the first page, and suddenly realized that I had to choose between spending time in prayer, or merely reading about it. Wouldn't it be great if I could report that I sailed right into a beautiful time of prayer? Actually, I had a snack, and answered an email first. It's amazing how something in me can generate distractions out of nothing. I think I'll take the book as train reading, so I can save primetime for actual prayer instead. I'm trying to learn from what Brennan Manning said -- that our time with God should be when we are at our best. I've been experimenting with shifting things around according to this principle. It really runs counter to what comes naturally.
I think there are two reasons for this. The first, as I said earlier, is simply the distractions. The second reason is a variation of that. My family culture was very results oriented, and prized doing chores. In my house, if we had read the Bible we would have definitely thought that Jesus was wrong about Mary and Martha. It's obvious that Martha is the good guy. So I always have a genetic urge to 'clear the decks' first. However that's a deception, in this case. 'Clear the decks' pertains more to doing chores before relaxing, or eating vegetables before dessert. It's a false excuse that sounded vaguely admirable. Oops.
On the other hand, I've been doing pretty well at cutting out the aimless TV watching. I'm still watching a few of my favorite shows, but I've mainly cut out the random background watching, and the insidious 11 oclock news. Boy, I just thought of a parallel between the 11 o'clock news and Steve Robbins -- with both of them, they whet your appetite with a preview of what they are going to talk about, and then it's half an hour before they get to it. Just kidding. Actually, the apparent digressions in the lectures are often fascinating.
My version of this is that I love to read about prayer. In fact, as soon as Steve recommended it, I immediately ordered Richard Foster's book, Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home. When the book arrived, I eagerly opened the package, and glanced at the first page, and suddenly realized that I had to choose between spending time in prayer, or merely reading about it. Wouldn't it be great if I could report that I sailed right into a beautiful time of prayer? Actually, I had a snack, and answered an email first. It's amazing how something in me can generate distractions out of nothing. I think I'll take the book as train reading, so I can save primetime for actual prayer instead. I'm trying to learn from what Brennan Manning said -- that our time with God should be when we are at our best. I've been experimenting with shifting things around according to this principle. It really runs counter to what comes naturally.
I think there are two reasons for this. The first, as I said earlier, is simply the distractions. The second reason is a variation of that. My family culture was very results oriented, and prized doing chores. In my house, if we had read the Bible we would have definitely thought that Jesus was wrong about Mary and Martha. It's obvious that Martha is the good guy. So I always have a genetic urge to 'clear the decks' first. However that's a deception, in this case. 'Clear the decks' pertains more to doing chores before relaxing, or eating vegetables before dessert. It's a false excuse that sounded vaguely admirable. Oops.
On the other hand, I've been doing pretty well at cutting out the aimless TV watching. I'm still watching a few of my favorite shows, but I've mainly cut out the random background watching, and the insidious 11 oclock news. Boy, I just thought of a parallel between the 11 o'clock news and Steve Robbins -- with both of them, they whet your appetite with a preview of what they are going to talk about, and then it's half an hour before they get to it. Just kidding. Actually, the apparent digressions in the lectures are often fascinating.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
What's my evangelism style?
If this were a multiple choice test, would "none of the above" be one of the choices?
Ok, it's true, I wrote that partly as an attention grabber, but partly because to me, the appropriate style depends on the situation. I know I'm not at all comfortable with a 'confrontational' style, but to me it seems that the other styles depend on the situation and the circumstance. I don't usually use the personal testimony style, because my testimony is pretty low key. However it is interesting to people from a similar perfectionist background. Face it, when a perfectionist 'good girl' gets saved, you don't see dramatic external lifestyle changes. Likewise, the intellectual approach isn't usually relevant to people, however if that is their personality, then it makes sense to communicate that way to them. And the relational style works with people with whom you share a relationship. Actually, the approach that appeals to me most is power evangelism -- it also seems to fit the most common New Testament model, where we see Jesus and the disciples healing the sick, and preaching the gospel. Alas, there is a fatal flaw with choosing this style. We cannot control when the Lord will move in power.
I have a personal theory, however, that the people who actually have the spiritual gift of evangelism will often use a confrontational style, and that it is peculiarly effective for them because it is inspired. That's why they can bluntly go up to someone, utter a total non-sequitur, and end up with the person receiving the Lord on the spot, for no apparent reason.
The rest of us try hard, and learn little speeches, and experiment with different methods, or tracts, or diagrams, or programs. And have occasional success.
The part of evangelism that I have trouble with is opening the dialogue. I have no problem with answering questions that people have, or participating in a conversation, I just have a hard time starting the ball rolling. To put that in context, I have trouble starting the conversational ball rolling in general. I can work with someone for years and not know if they are married, because I don't know how to ask normal conversational questions. I'm always afraid someone will be offended. For example, what if I ask someone if they are married and they are in the middle of a divorce? What if I ask someone if they have kids and they are struggling with infertility? What if I ask someone where they work and they just lost their job? I've never been able to figure out how you know the difference between showing interest and being intrusive.
So my difficulty with evangelism is not surprising. The main spiritual touchpoint I have with my co-workers is that they know that I pray for them when they (or their family) are sick. At that point, there is a felt need that I can respond to.
Ok, it's true, I wrote that partly as an attention grabber, but partly because to me, the appropriate style depends on the situation. I know I'm not at all comfortable with a 'confrontational' style, but to me it seems that the other styles depend on the situation and the circumstance. I don't usually use the personal testimony style, because my testimony is pretty low key. However it is interesting to people from a similar perfectionist background. Face it, when a perfectionist 'good girl' gets saved, you don't see dramatic external lifestyle changes. Likewise, the intellectual approach isn't usually relevant to people, however if that is their personality, then it makes sense to communicate that way to them. And the relational style works with people with whom you share a relationship. Actually, the approach that appeals to me most is power evangelism -- it also seems to fit the most common New Testament model, where we see Jesus and the disciples healing the sick, and preaching the gospel. Alas, there is a fatal flaw with choosing this style. We cannot control when the Lord will move in power.
I have a personal theory, however, that the people who actually have the spiritual gift of evangelism will often use a confrontational style, and that it is peculiarly effective for them because it is inspired. That's why they can bluntly go up to someone, utter a total non-sequitur, and end up with the person receiving the Lord on the spot, for no apparent reason.
The rest of us try hard, and learn little speeches, and experiment with different methods, or tracts, or diagrams, or programs. And have occasional success.
The part of evangelism that I have trouble with is opening the dialogue. I have no problem with answering questions that people have, or participating in a conversation, I just have a hard time starting the ball rolling. To put that in context, I have trouble starting the conversational ball rolling in general. I can work with someone for years and not know if they are married, because I don't know how to ask normal conversational questions. I'm always afraid someone will be offended. For example, what if I ask someone if they are married and they are in the middle of a divorce? What if I ask someone if they have kids and they are struggling with infertility? What if I ask someone where they work and they just lost their job? I've never been able to figure out how you know the difference between showing interest and being intrusive.
So my difficulty with evangelism is not surprising. The main spiritual touchpoint I have with my co-workers is that they know that I pray for them when they (or their family) are sick. At that point, there is a felt need that I can respond to.
Monday, October 20, 2003
Apple juice and pretzels
We did an outreach on Saturday -- serving apple juice and pretzels to the kids who were doing the village window painting contest. Mike, my fellow student, was so much fun to work with. He is patient and encouraging with the fact that I find outreaches hard. And the big bonus was that he is great at pouring! In fact, he was so good at the apple juice that they called him over to the paint table, to pour paint, too. Talk about a hidden talent that came into play in service.
The funniest thing happened when the Recreation specialist commandeered us to help judge the contest. I was freaking out, but Mike encouraged me to stretch myself. And it was actually fun. We were seriously discussing which awards to give to the motorcycle painting-- "have a hardcore Halloween", and the baseball painting -- "the 2003 world scaries".
I was surprised by how well behaved the kids all were. Those who took multiple servings always explained that they were fetching extra for their painting partners. We went through about 200 servings of pretzels, but only 120 servings of apple juice. I think this was because it was an unseasonable cold day, and gray and windy to boot, and the kids were all freezing. For some unaccountable reason some of them were wearing shorts! I was wearing jeans with a turtleneck and a T-shirt over it, and a fleece jacket and a wind-breaker shell, and I was chilly. If we were to do this again next year, I'd allow for 200 servings of each. That's enough to serve the kids and the parents.
My real stroke of brilliance was in remembering to bring a big garbage bag and tape, so we could tape it along the end of the table. That's worth remembering for next year!
There were no overt opportunities to evangelize, but it contributed to building relationship between the church and the village. Also, some of the adults were clearly surprised at the fact that the church would give away something for free. And we seem to be building a reputation as the church who feeds people -- or at least serves beverages!
The funniest thing happened when the Recreation specialist commandeered us to help judge the contest. I was freaking out, but Mike encouraged me to stretch myself. And it was actually fun. We were seriously discussing which awards to give to the motorcycle painting-- "have a hardcore Halloween", and the baseball painting -- "the 2003 world scaries".
I was surprised by how well behaved the kids all were. Those who took multiple servings always explained that they were fetching extra for their painting partners. We went through about 200 servings of pretzels, but only 120 servings of apple juice. I think this was because it was an unseasonable cold day, and gray and windy to boot, and the kids were all freezing. For some unaccountable reason some of them were wearing shorts! I was wearing jeans with a turtleneck and a T-shirt over it, and a fleece jacket and a wind-breaker shell, and I was chilly. If we were to do this again next year, I'd allow for 200 servings of each. That's enough to serve the kids and the parents.
My real stroke of brilliance was in remembering to bring a big garbage bag and tape, so we could tape it along the end of the table. That's worth remembering for next year!
There were no overt opportunities to evangelize, but it contributed to building relationship between the church and the village. Also, some of the adults were clearly surprised at the fact that the church would give away something for free. And we seem to be building a reputation as the church who feeds people -- or at least serves beverages!
I'm sad
My mentor had to step down. I can't be more specific because I don't want to abuse her privacy. But I'm worried about her, and I'll miss her. And I feel like I should have been praying for her more. And since I find evangelism hard, I really need a mentor in this topic. So my thoughts are pretty confused and jumbled right now. But mainly I'm sad.
+ God, forgive me for not praying for her more. Please keep her close to your heart +
+ God, forgive me for not praying for her more. Please keep her close to your heart +
Food, parties and sex
Oops. Make that Fasting, Celebration, and Chastity.
Each week, I think we finished the 'hard' topic, and then I find out that every topic has a challenge in it. I learned several things about fasting. I haven't felt 'called' to fast in the past, and I now realize that this was probably a combination of both good and bad reasons. Here's what struck me:
1) I knew it was Biblical, I just didn't realize how foundational it was.
2) It's rather pointless to fast when you are too busy to pray.
3) Fasting should be inspired by God.
4) But we should pray for the openness of heart, to welcome and accept the call of God to fast.
I was feeling "off the hook" when I heard points 2 and 3, since I really hadn't ever felt called to fast. And then point number 4 really challenged me. So I prayed for openness of heart about fasting. It just occurred to me that there is a similarity between fasting and chastity. Both could be called the gift that no one wants.
It's probably not coincidence that 3 days after I prayed to be open to the idea of fasting, I suddenly felt called to fast, for the first time. I guess I had been sort of like a kid with her fingers in her ears, saying "I can't hear you".
Anyway, I just did one day, and felt totally foggy with no concentration, and no great revelation, yet I felt content that it was simply an act of obedience.
Each week, I think we finished the 'hard' topic, and then I find out that every topic has a challenge in it. I learned several things about fasting. I haven't felt 'called' to fast in the past, and I now realize that this was probably a combination of both good and bad reasons. Here's what struck me:
1) I knew it was Biblical, I just didn't realize how foundational it was.
2) It's rather pointless to fast when you are too busy to pray.
3) Fasting should be inspired by God.
4) But we should pray for the openness of heart, to welcome and accept the call of God to fast.
I was feeling "off the hook" when I heard points 2 and 3, since I really hadn't ever felt called to fast. And then point number 4 really challenged me. So I prayed for openness of heart about fasting. It just occurred to me that there is a similarity between fasting and chastity. Both could be called the gift that no one wants.
It's probably not coincidence that 3 days after I prayed to be open to the idea of fasting, I suddenly felt called to fast, for the first time. I guess I had been sort of like a kid with her fingers in her ears, saying "I can't hear you".
Anyway, I just did one day, and felt totally foggy with no concentration, and no great revelation, yet I felt content that it was simply an act of obedience.
Saturday, October 11, 2003
Solitude and silence -- Saturday night
Here I am, studying 'Solitude and silence', alone on Saturday night. The irony does not escape me. As an introvert, I like being alone, and find it comfortable and normal. But somehow, on Saturday night, I'm peculiarly aware of solitude. But it's not a bad thing to explicitly make this choice.
As far as silence goes, I may have trouble quieting my own mind, as I wrote on Thursday, but I prefer quiet surroundings, most of the time. In fact, I sometimes actually walk out of stores or restaurants, because the background music irritates me, and interferes with my thoughts. I was frustrated and annoyed in the gym this week, because I was intending on using my 25 minutes on the eliptical machine to review my scripture memorization, but the noise pollution was amazing. There was one TV to my right, another (tuned to another station) to my left, and a third one more distantly at the other end of the room. Then there was some sound spilling out of the adjoining room holding the step class, and the icing on the cake was the piped in radio station. Help!!! It makes me really stressed out, but other people seem energized by it.
Unfortunately, I suspect that my innate need for quiet actually puts me behind rather than ahead, in the discipline of solitude and silence. Why do I say this? Because I'm distracted by noises that don't seem to bother anyone else. For instance, right now, in addition to the traffic noises out the window, I'm hearing the hard drive of my computer spinning, a jet overhead, and two different insects (I think they are cicadas, but I could be confusing them with something else). Oh, now that I'm specifically listening, I think there are three of them, not just two. I'm feeling tremendously fortunate that I have quiet neighbors. While I can sometimes hear TVs or voices or footsteps, I'm so grateful that no one is really noisy. And tonight, the cicadas (or whatever they are) sound really nice. I get a kick out of hearing natural sounds in the middle of the suburbs.
This afternoon, I went with my friends to the Mill Neck Manor apple festival. It is a fundraiser for the school for the deaf. It was a perfect fall day -- sunny and crisp. I was enjoying the whole experience: being with friends; eating the terrific roasted corn; selecting a box of apples to take home. And then it occurred to me that one of the things I was enjoying was the relative quiet -- so many people were signing instead of talking that there was simply less ambient noise than you would expect from a crowd that size. And I suddenly wondered what it would be like to not have that constant auditory input bombarding you all day long.
So anyway, when I finally find a quiet place to come before the Lord, then I become aware of the clutter in my own thoughts. I feel like the woman in the movie 'The gods must be crazy', in the cafeteria scene in the beginning, who politely asks: "Is the noise inside my head bothering you?"
P.s. That was a joke, in case you couldn't tell. But I do love the movie, and I think it's a great line.
As far as silence goes, I may have trouble quieting my own mind, as I wrote on Thursday, but I prefer quiet surroundings, most of the time. In fact, I sometimes actually walk out of stores or restaurants, because the background music irritates me, and interferes with my thoughts. I was frustrated and annoyed in the gym this week, because I was intending on using my 25 minutes on the eliptical machine to review my scripture memorization, but the noise pollution was amazing. There was one TV to my right, another (tuned to another station) to my left, and a third one more distantly at the other end of the room. Then there was some sound spilling out of the adjoining room holding the step class, and the icing on the cake was the piped in radio station. Help!!! It makes me really stressed out, but other people seem energized by it.
Unfortunately, I suspect that my innate need for quiet actually puts me behind rather than ahead, in the discipline of solitude and silence. Why do I say this? Because I'm distracted by noises that don't seem to bother anyone else. For instance, right now, in addition to the traffic noises out the window, I'm hearing the hard drive of my computer spinning, a jet overhead, and two different insects (I think they are cicadas, but I could be confusing them with something else). Oh, now that I'm specifically listening, I think there are three of them, not just two. I'm feeling tremendously fortunate that I have quiet neighbors. While I can sometimes hear TVs or voices or footsteps, I'm so grateful that no one is really noisy. And tonight, the cicadas (or whatever they are) sound really nice. I get a kick out of hearing natural sounds in the middle of the suburbs.
This afternoon, I went with my friends to the Mill Neck Manor apple festival. It is a fundraiser for the school for the deaf. It was a perfect fall day -- sunny and crisp. I was enjoying the whole experience: being with friends; eating the terrific roasted corn; selecting a box of apples to take home. And then it occurred to me that one of the things I was enjoying was the relative quiet -- so many people were signing instead of talking that there was simply less ambient noise than you would expect from a crowd that size. And I suddenly wondered what it would be like to not have that constant auditory input bombarding you all day long.
So anyway, when I finally find a quiet place to come before the Lord, then I become aware of the clutter in my own thoughts. I feel like the woman in the movie 'The gods must be crazy', in the cafeteria scene in the beginning, who politely asks: "Is the noise inside my head bothering you?"
P.s. That was a joke, in case you couldn't tell. But I do love the movie, and I think it's a great line.
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Where can I find solitude & silence?
It sounds easy, since I live alone, but the problem is that my mind is crowded even when I'm all by myself. Parenthetically, that makes it very convenient to 'blog', because I'm always thinking about 5 or 10 things at the same time, and I should be able to find one or two thoughts that are not totally private or humiliating. But back to the topic at hand.
So far, when I try to wait on the Lord, in solitude and silence, I am obsessed with distractions. My most fruitful times come when they flow naturally out of worship. I read something interesting in the Toronto Airport Fellowship newsletter a year or so ago. There was an article that dealt specifically with 'left brain' people. It suggested that we need to learn a way to shift out of the intellectual mode, and recommended singing worship songs as a transition into prayer, since the music is a right brain activity. This seems true to me, however even re-reading what I've just written makes me worry that it sounds like I'm using worship with an ulterior motive. I'd rather say that it is all part of worship.
I had an illuminating conversation with a friend, years ago. She was trying to explain to me the burden of being a person who was not intellectually oriented. At first I wasn't even listening that carefully -- she had always seemed very smart and capable to me, so I wasn't getting the point. But then she said something fascinating: "My brain is normally 'off', and I have to tell it to turn 'on' when I want to think about something." I was dumbfounded. My problem is the opposite. My brain is normally 'on', and I have trouble quieting it down, to just 'be'. When I'm really really engrossed in something, I go into a world of my own, and am not aware of anything else (I can stand waiting on a train platform and neglect to get on the train if I'm reading a good book), but most of the time my thoughts are bopping around like a ping-pong ball.
I've been trying hard to have a topic for each blog entry, because I assume that will make it more interesting, and easier to read, but just for fun, and contrast, here is what I'm thinking about right now:
-I have a meeting coming up in 21 minutes, and I need to check my notes and the meeting location.
-I'm still not sure when we'll get the apple juice for my outreach.
Steve's blog isn't loading properly because the Comment server seems to be down.
-I have to ask CM if it is true that we don't need to worry about FX swaps, because we will map them to be FX forwards.
-I have a list of emails and docs with various questions that are all not getting resolved -- maybe I need to bite the bullet and put them into an issue tracker.
-The manager in the next cube just mentioned my name. I wonder why he is talking about me.
-MC's father is still in the hospital. I hope he feels better soon. She is getting stressed out with the logistics.
-I've lent my car to her for the week, since hers is in the shop and she needs to get to work. But we have to connect for her to give it back.
-I should write KH a note thanking him for the great work he did in my apartment yesterday.
Do you see what I mean? People always recommend writing down the distracting thoughts so you can clear your mind, but I can't type fast enough to keep up. This wasn't the whole list of my current thoughts, but I thought that was enough of a sample. My brain is actually a highly efficient random thought generator!
+Lord, help me to quiet my mind+
So far, when I try to wait on the Lord, in solitude and silence, I am obsessed with distractions. My most fruitful times come when they flow naturally out of worship. I read something interesting in the Toronto Airport Fellowship newsletter a year or so ago. There was an article that dealt specifically with 'left brain' people. It suggested that we need to learn a way to shift out of the intellectual mode, and recommended singing worship songs as a transition into prayer, since the music is a right brain activity. This seems true to me, however even re-reading what I've just written makes me worry that it sounds like I'm using worship with an ulterior motive. I'd rather say that it is all part of worship.
I had an illuminating conversation with a friend, years ago. She was trying to explain to me the burden of being a person who was not intellectually oriented. At first I wasn't even listening that carefully -- she had always seemed very smart and capable to me, so I wasn't getting the point. But then she said something fascinating: "My brain is normally 'off', and I have to tell it to turn 'on' when I want to think about something." I was dumbfounded. My problem is the opposite. My brain is normally 'on', and I have trouble quieting it down, to just 'be'. When I'm really really engrossed in something, I go into a world of my own, and am not aware of anything else (I can stand waiting on a train platform and neglect to get on the train if I'm reading a good book), but most of the time my thoughts are bopping around like a ping-pong ball.
I've been trying hard to have a topic for each blog entry, because I assume that will make it more interesting, and easier to read, but just for fun, and contrast, here is what I'm thinking about right now:
-I have a meeting coming up in 21 minutes, and I need to check my notes and the meeting location.
-I'm still not sure when we'll get the apple juice for my outreach.
Steve's blog isn't loading properly because the Comment server seems to be down.
-I have to ask CM if it is true that we don't need to worry about FX swaps, because we will map them to be FX forwards.
-I have a list of emails and docs with various questions that are all not getting resolved -- maybe I need to bite the bullet and put them into an issue tracker.
-The manager in the next cube just mentioned my name. I wonder why he is talking about me.
-MC's father is still in the hospital. I hope he feels better soon. She is getting stressed out with the logistics.
-I've lent my car to her for the week, since hers is in the shop and she needs to get to work. But we have to connect for her to give it back.
-I should write KH a note thanking him for the great work he did in my apartment yesterday.
Do you see what I mean? People always recommend writing down the distracting thoughts so you can clear your mind, but I can't type fast enough to keep up. This wasn't the whole list of my current thoughts, but I thought that was enough of a sample. My brain is actually a highly efficient random thought generator!
+Lord, help me to quiet my mind+
Monday, October 06, 2003
Q: What do Steve and Nike have in common?
A: They share the same slogan: Just do it
Well, I'm paraphrasing, but in week 2, Steve made it clear that Scripture reading and Prayer are not optional. There's a reason they are called disciplines.
It's good that I'm taking this course now, and not some years ago. In the past I would have been too caught up in frustration and condemnation to even give this a fair hearing. My reaction now is different. I know that I fall short in these areas, so I need to concretely look at what I can change. Of course, it might be most efficient in the long run to simply start by praying that God will give me a passionate desire to pray and read more!
But I'm also putting together what Steve said with some tapes I was just listening to by Brennan Manning, and something clicked. Brennan Manning was directing people to spend 40 minutes a day simply saying "Abba, I belong to you". That sounds a bit overwhelming, to tell the truth, but it was a little throwaway line that suddenly stood up and said "listen to this". He said to pick the time of day you are at your best. And I suddenly realized that one of my mistakes is that I do the opposite -- I pull out my Bible the last thing in the day, when I'm too tired to think straight. No wonder it seems confusing and boring. Of course, my previous attempt at a solution was equally ineffective: reading the first thing in the morning, when everything in me is reaching back to sleep.
On the topic of scripture, I'm still baffled at how Brother Yun was able to memorize a chapter a day! I've been working really hard on this (during the day, not when I'm asleep). Naively inspired by his story, I started learning Ephesians 1 and I'm not even managing a chapter per month. Not only that, the chapter I thought I had memorized is now slipping away. And yet I'm still glad that I'm working on it.
+God, give me a hunger to know your Word. Give me a passion for your presence. Help me to quiet my heart and my mind, so that distractions don't derail my attempts to meet with You.+
Well, I'm paraphrasing, but in week 2, Steve made it clear that Scripture reading and Prayer are not optional. There's a reason they are called disciplines.
It's good that I'm taking this course now, and not some years ago. In the past I would have been too caught up in frustration and condemnation to even give this a fair hearing. My reaction now is different. I know that I fall short in these areas, so I need to concretely look at what I can change. Of course, it might be most efficient in the long run to simply start by praying that God will give me a passionate desire to pray and read more!
But I'm also putting together what Steve said with some tapes I was just listening to by Brennan Manning, and something clicked. Brennan Manning was directing people to spend 40 minutes a day simply saying "Abba, I belong to you". That sounds a bit overwhelming, to tell the truth, but it was a little throwaway line that suddenly stood up and said "listen to this". He said to pick the time of day you are at your best. And I suddenly realized that one of my mistakes is that I do the opposite -- I pull out my Bible the last thing in the day, when I'm too tired to think straight. No wonder it seems confusing and boring. Of course, my previous attempt at a solution was equally ineffective: reading the first thing in the morning, when everything in me is reaching back to sleep.
On the topic of scripture, I'm still baffled at how Brother Yun was able to memorize a chapter a day! I've been working really hard on this (during the day, not when I'm asleep). Naively inspired by his story, I started learning Ephesians 1 and I'm not even managing a chapter per month. Not only that, the chapter I thought I had memorized is now slipping away. And yet I'm still glad that I'm working on it.
+God, give me a hunger to know your Word. Give me a passion for your presence. Help me to quiet my heart and my mind, so that distractions don't derail my attempts to meet with You.+
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Week 1 -- and I'm already feeling convicted
The devotional life of a leader. Spiritual Disciplines.
I knew that there would be topics that would convict my heart, but I got blindsided in week one. Not by the emphasis on reading the word (which I should do more, but was sort of braced to hear an exhortation to do better).
What totally struck me was the emphasis on "attitude and expectation when you come to hear the Word of God" . Especially this: we need to come with expectation that God will give us ears to hear -- we need humility to receive through others who are preaching/teaching/speaking. Wow -- I was certainly able to personalize that as an area in need of repentence. It's so easy for me to get snotty about a sermon that I don't like. But this lesson really struck my heart.
+Lord, I'm sorry for being so distracted by the package that have often failed to receive your word. Please give me the humility to listen, and the revelation to hear what you want me to hear+
I knew that there would be topics that would convict my heart, but I got blindsided in week one. Not by the emphasis on reading the word (which I should do more, but was sort of braced to hear an exhortation to do better).
What totally struck me was the emphasis on "attitude and expectation when you come to hear the Word of God" . Especially this: we need to come with expectation that God will give us ears to hear -- we need humility to receive through others who are preaching/teaching/speaking. Wow -- I was certainly able to personalize that as an area in need of repentence. It's so easy for me to get snotty about a sermon that I don't like. But this lesson really struck my heart.
+Lord, I'm sorry for being so distracted by the package that have often failed to receive your word. Please give me the humility to listen, and the revelation to hear what you want me to hear+
Did you ever hear of a window-painting contest?
Will this work for an outreach?
I thought maybe we could serve hot cider at the village 'Ragamuffin parade', but the Recreation supervisor felt that it's already hard to keep the kids' attention on lining up, and that it would be counter-productive to introduce any new distractions. So I (boldly for me) asked if there were any other upcoming events, and he mentioned the window painting contest. Apparently they have the kids paint (on paper, not directly on the windows) and then post the paintings on the store windows in town. So maybe we can have a beverage table.
I'm already thinking of potential problems:
-What if it rains?
-What if a child is allergic to apple juice?
-What if there's no graceful way to indicate that we're serving just to show the love of God? Kids receive so well that maybe they'll just take it for granted.
-What if we don't have enough apple juice?
-What if we have way too much apple juice?
-What if all the stores are sold out and we can't buy apple juice?
-what if a kid gets burned on the hot chocolate?
-What if ...
OK, let's think of solutions:
- Ask the supervisor if we can move the beverage table to the rec center, in case of rain. Or if not, switch the outreach to a "supermarket umbrella escort" (which I think would actually be a pretty good outreach, but you can't really plan for rain).
- These kids are 4th through 8th grade. They should either know what they are allergic to, or should have a parent with them.
- There will probably be parents around with whom we can communicate our intent to show the love of God. I think the parents will really like that we are doing something for their kids, as long as they don't think we are proselytizing.
- We'll serve until we use up the apple juice or until noon. Then we'll leave. If there is lot's of juice left over, we can give it to the food pantry, or the sunday school.
- If there is a nationwide shortage of apple juice, we'll serve lemonade instead
- Serve only cold beverages
I thought maybe we could serve hot cider at the village 'Ragamuffin parade', but the Recreation supervisor felt that it's already hard to keep the kids' attention on lining up, and that it would be counter-productive to introduce any new distractions. So I (boldly for me) asked if there were any other upcoming events, and he mentioned the window painting contest. Apparently they have the kids paint (on paper, not directly on the windows) and then post the paintings on the store windows in town. So maybe we can have a beverage table.
I'm already thinking of potential problems:
-What if it rains?
-What if a child is allergic to apple juice?
-What if there's no graceful way to indicate that we're serving just to show the love of God? Kids receive so well that maybe they'll just take it for granted.
-What if we don't have enough apple juice?
-What if we have way too much apple juice?
-What if all the stores are sold out and we can't buy apple juice?
-what if a kid gets burned on the hot chocolate?
-What if ...
OK, let's think of solutions:
- Ask the supervisor if we can move the beverage table to the rec center, in case of rain. Or if not, switch the outreach to a "supermarket umbrella escort" (which I think would actually be a pretty good outreach, but you can't really plan for rain).
- These kids are 4th through 8th grade. They should either know what they are allergic to, or should have a parent with them.
- There will probably be parents around with whom we can communicate our intent to show the love of God. I think the parents will really like that we are doing something for their kids, as long as they don't think we are proselytizing.
- We'll serve until we use up the apple juice or until noon. Then we'll leave. If there is lot's of juice left over, we can give it to the food pantry, or the sunday school.
- If there is a nationwide shortage of apple juice, we'll serve lemonade instead
- Serve only cold beverages
Monday, September 29, 2003
If I say 'hi' does that count as an outreach?
I'm trying to think of an outreach to do.
There are several reasons this is hard for me:
1) I'm not good at meeting new people
2) Many of the suggested outreaches would totally not work in the New York city area. Knock on someone's door! Ask if you can come in to change their lightbulbs! I wouldn't mind the service itself, but I just can't imagine anyone saying 'yes'. I can actually imagine them calling the police.
3) I'm not good at meeting new people
4) This is such an affluent area that it's hard to think of something affordable that would still touch people's heart. And I wouldn't mind leaf raking, but almost every home in this town already hires a landscaping service.
5) I'm not good at meeting new people
6) with my difficulty recognizing people, I don't even know which ones are new
So now I'll list reasons that it will somehow work:
1) God will give me grace to do what I need to do.
2) I'm motivated to move beyond my comfort zone, and do the best I can
3) Mike (my fellow VLI'er) will help me
4) God will give me an idea for something that I can do.
There are several reasons this is hard for me:
1) I'm not good at meeting new people
2) Many of the suggested outreaches would totally not work in the New York city area. Knock on someone's door! Ask if you can come in to change their lightbulbs! I wouldn't mind the service itself, but I just can't imagine anyone saying 'yes'. I can actually imagine them calling the police.
3) I'm not good at meeting new people
4) This is such an affluent area that it's hard to think of something affordable that would still touch people's heart. And I wouldn't mind leaf raking, but almost every home in this town already hires a landscaping service.
5) I'm not good at meeting new people
6) with my difficulty recognizing people, I don't even know which ones are new
So now I'll list reasons that it will somehow work:
1) God will give me grace to do what I need to do.
2) I'm motivated to move beyond my comfort zone, and do the best I can
3) Mike (my fellow VLI'er) will help me
4) God will give me an idea for something that I can do.
Sunday, September 28, 2003
What happens when an introvert does an outreach?
I'm probably not ever going to find this easy, but at least I was able to participate. It was great that Mike had everything arranged. The organization made me much more comfortable with everything.
I started with the parking meter outreach. That one made the most sense to me, because I know that people hate those machines that they have to key their spot numbers into. My partner was really terrific . I learned a lot from watching how she initiated contact with people. She was very unthreatening.
"We'd like to pay for your parking today".
It's almost automatic that the person says 'OK' -- since it doesn't put them into the position of a supplicant. And usually they follow it up with "Why?", which leads to our next line "to show God's love in a practical way". Later on I had a chance to see what other teams were doing, and found some of their approaches intimidating.
"Did you already pay for your parking?" sounds almost threatening to me. Some people got a little defensive, saying "I'm just about to".
It's kind of funny. I'm not bringing any natural talent to know how to do this, or what to say, but my ability to analyze and observe might be a good compensation after all. I'll work on copying the approaches that seem to work better.
Of course, the whole thing is complicated by the fact that I don't recognize people's faces. When the outreach teams moved back and forth between the various stations, I didn't even realize that they were 'us' -- I thought they were strangers, and was about to offer them meter money. It's hard for people to understand that I'm not kidding when I don't recognize them. Luckily, I noticed one woman's distinctive shirt, and figured out who she was, just in time.
I started with the parking meter outreach. That one made the most sense to me, because I know that people hate those machines that they have to key their spot numbers into. My partner was really terrific . I learned a lot from watching how she initiated contact with people. She was very unthreatening.
"We'd like to pay for your parking today".
It's almost automatic that the person says 'OK' -- since it doesn't put them into the position of a supplicant. And usually they follow it up with "Why?", which leads to our next line "to show God's love in a practical way". Later on I had a chance to see what other teams were doing, and found some of their approaches intimidating.
"Did you already pay for your parking?" sounds almost threatening to me. Some people got a little defensive, saying "I'm just about to".
It's kind of funny. I'm not bringing any natural talent to know how to do this, or what to say, but my ability to analyze and observe might be a good compensation after all. I'll work on copying the approaches that seem to work better.
Of course, the whole thing is complicated by the fact that I don't recognize people's faces. When the outreach teams moved back and forth between the various stations, I didn't even realize that they were 'us' -- I thought they were strangers, and was about to offer them meter money. It's hard for people to understand that I'm not kidding when I don't recognize them. Luckily, I noticed one woman's distinctive shirt, and figured out who she was, just in time.
Friday, September 26, 2003
What should I learn this week?
This week was a little bizarre. I had to study for a test at work, on Capital Markets. So I was busy memorizing things like the definition of an interest rate swap, and the difference between a forward and a future. But now that my books for VLI finally came, I was eager to get started, so I wanted to study them too. And I'm disappointed in myself that I got bogged down in my scripture memorization, and I wanted to finish memorizing Ephesians 3, but I only know the first part so far, and even that is shaky.
Well, I didn't cover myself with glory, but I made it through the test at work. I got panicked in the middle, because there was no way to save your answers until you submitted the test for scoring. Anyone who has worked a lot with computers knows enough to not trust them. So when someone burnt some popcorn, and I smelled the smoke, I immediately imagined having to evacuate the building, and losing all my answers and failing the test, so I hit the 'submit' button an hour before the end of the test, just to make sure that my answers were recorded.
So now I've mentally switched back to Ephesians. It's got such great prayers in it. I want to learn to pray these prayers for myself and others.
+And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God+.
Well, I didn't cover myself with glory, but I made it through the test at work. I got panicked in the middle, because there was no way to save your answers until you submitted the test for scoring. Anyone who has worked a lot with computers knows enough to not trust them. So when someone burnt some popcorn, and I smelled the smoke, I immediately imagined having to evacuate the building, and losing all my answers and failing the test, so I hit the 'submit' button an hour before the end of the test, just to make sure that my answers were recorded.
So now I've mentally switched back to Ephesians. It's got such great prayers in it. I want to learn to pray these prayers for myself and others.
+And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God+.
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Where are my books?
My great plan of doing a lot of the reading ahead of time has hit a snag. My books still have not come (except the little one, A Testament of Devotion). My theory was that if I got ahead on the reading, then I could cope with a heavy week at work, by just managing the classes, but coasting on the homework. So now I'm feeling really pressured. I called the bookstore, and they said that they were processing my order, but the books had actually just arrived the day before.
So now I see that even less is under my control than I thought! But I did manage to convert my internet connection at home to broadband; purchase an MP3 player; and order a headset for my phone, so I'm making a little progress on my efficiency plans after all.
So now I see that even less is under my control than I thought! But I did manage to convert my internet connection at home to broadband; purchase an MP3 player; and order a headset for my phone, so I'm making a little progress on my efficiency plans after all.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
The Light Within
I've been reading A Testament of Devotion. I've been trying to read it slowly, on purpose. Part of me is so eager to get going, that I want to just rush through it, but it is clear to me that the value in the book is not just reading the words, but meditating on the concepts, and trying out the approach. Listen to this, from the essay called The Light Within, on pg 12
Walk and talk and work and laugh with your friends. But behind the scenes, keep up the life of simple prayer and inward worship. Keep it up throughout the day. Let inward prayer be your last act before you fall asleep and the first act when you awake.
Now that's worth learning. It's hard for me to connect with the Lord during the work-day -- things are so chaotic and urgent. Yet that's when I need to learn it the most.
I've also been listening to a tape series by Brennan Manning. It sort of fits in. He recommends sitting quietly before the Lord and simply saying "Abba, I belong to you". And then carrying that in one's heart throughout the day. But while I know it intellectually, it doesn't come naturally to say it yet. But I think I'll keep trying.
+Abba, I belong to You+
Walk and talk and work and laugh with your friends. But behind the scenes, keep up the life of simple prayer and inward worship. Keep it up throughout the day. Let inward prayer be your last act before you fall asleep and the first act when you awake.
Now that's worth learning. It's hard for me to connect with the Lord during the work-day -- things are so chaotic and urgent. Yet that's when I need to learn it the most.
I've also been listening to a tape series by Brennan Manning. It sort of fits in. He recommends sitting quietly before the Lord and simply saying "Abba, I belong to you". And then carrying that in one's heart throughout the day. But while I know it intellectually, it doesn't come naturally to say it yet. But I think I'll keep trying.
+Abba, I belong to You+
Thursday, September 11, 2003
orientation
Now that I got my acceptance letter, I logged on to the website today and listened to part of the orientation. It's so exciting. And I had a totally different reaction from some of the students last year. I was warned by them that the orientation is discouraging, because it talks about how hard it will be, and that people will end up dropping out.
I got something totally different out of the orientation. Maybe it's because I'm comparing it to my experience at NYU. I still remember the orientation lecture for my advanced degree. The head of the department gave a speech in which he said that only 1 out of 10 of us would make it through, and that it would take at least 10 years (if we did not have to spend time supporting ourselves), and that the rest of us might as well quit right now. So when Steve Robbins said that VLI will be difficult, and that we'll have to make choices, but that if we are called to this program by God, we should persevere, I thought it was amazingly encouraging. I kept contrasting the VLI approach with the NYU approach. At NYU it seemed that they were actually proud of the attrition rate. At VLI, I feel that they want us not only to complete the program but also to go on and serve the Kingdom. It's sort of like having a built-in cheering section.
But I'm frustrated that my books have not come yet. In fact, they have not even been shipped, and the expected shipping dates have been extended. I'm fantasizing that maybe 300 VLI students suddenly all placed orders for the same obscure books, and used them all up. So I checked the Columbus bookstore, which says they are in stock and ready for shipping, and I cancelled Amazon, and re-ordered from Columbus a couple of days ago.
I got something totally different out of the orientation. Maybe it's because I'm comparing it to my experience at NYU. I still remember the orientation lecture for my advanced degree. The head of the department gave a speech in which he said that only 1 out of 10 of us would make it through, and that it would take at least 10 years (if we did not have to spend time supporting ourselves), and that the rest of us might as well quit right now. So when Steve Robbins said that VLI will be difficult, and that we'll have to make choices, but that if we are called to this program by God, we should persevere, I thought it was amazingly encouraging. I kept contrasting the VLI approach with the NYU approach. At NYU it seemed that they were actually proud of the attrition rate. At VLI, I feel that they want us not only to complete the program but also to go on and serve the Kingdom. It's sort of like having a built-in cheering section.
But I'm frustrated that my books have not come yet. In fact, they have not even been shipped, and the expected shipping dates have been extended. I'm fantasizing that maybe 300 VLI students suddenly all placed orders for the same obscure books, and used them all up. So I checked the Columbus bookstore, which says they are in stock and ready for shipping, and I cancelled Amazon, and re-ordered from Columbus a couple of days ago.
Thursday, September 04, 2003
Thank you, Sami
Sami gave me a reality check the other day. I was telling him how frustrated I was because I wanted to get a head start, and order my books, but I hadn't received an acceptance letter yet, so I didn't know if I was in the program.
And he looked at me in that slightly puzzled way and said: "You're in".
So I said, "What do you mean? How do you know?"
And he replied "If they didn't tell you that you're not in, then you're in."
Hmmm. This is a little different from when I was in graduate school. I guess I should go ahead and order my books.
I ordered the books from Amazon, along with an MP3 player. Everything is supposed to ship in 2-3 days.
And he looked at me in that slightly puzzled way and said: "You're in".
So I said, "What do you mean? How do you know?"
And he replied "If they didn't tell you that you're not in, then you're in."
Hmmm. This is a little different from when I was in graduate school. I guess I should go ahead and order my books.
I ordered the books from Amazon, along with an MP3 player. Everything is supposed to ship in 2-3 days.
Sunday, August 17, 2003
How can I control the uncontrollable?
VLI hasn't even started yet, and I already know that there won't be enough hours in the day. Between work and commuting, I've been putting in around 70 hours a week. Add 20-30 hours for VLI, and something has to give. Maybe I need to learn the new math, so that 70 and 20 will only add up to 75.
I realize that there is wasted time in my week, that I need to learn to use better. So I made a list of things that are under my control; ways that I can change my behavior to help this work. Here's my list. I broke it down into Preparation; Ongoing - doable; and Ongoing - hard;
PREPARATION:
Buy a portable MP3 player (so I can be more flexible about where and when I listen to the MP3s).
Buy a headset for my phone (so I can do some minor chores while speaking to my parents on the phone, instead of feeling so pressured when the conversation extends into a marathon).
Get the VLI reading list early, and do most of the reading before the semester starts.
Get broadband access at home, so I can sometimes leave work 'on time', and log in later to finish stuff, rather than just staying all evening.
Tell my boss I'm going to school, to set the stage for having to leave at 5 or 6pm sometimes.
ONGING - Doable:
Stop aimless TV watching
Stop watching 11pm news
Use commute time to study
Purchase stuff online instead of driving around to stores, wherever possible.
ONGING - Hard:
Cut down on pleasure reading
Cut down on work hours
Plan social events for semester breaks, and reduce socializing in between
Eliminate clutter in my apartment, so it doesn't waste so much time finding stuff.
Eliminate clutter in my apartment, so I can hire someone to help clean.
Be more aware of birthdays and events coming up, so I can plan ahead and purchase online.
Well, that's the theory. We'll see how it works.
I realize that there is wasted time in my week, that I need to learn to use better. So I made a list of things that are under my control; ways that I can change my behavior to help this work. Here's my list. I broke it down into Preparation; Ongoing - doable; and Ongoing - hard;
PREPARATION:
Buy a portable MP3 player (so I can be more flexible about where and when I listen to the MP3s).
Buy a headset for my phone (so I can do some minor chores while speaking to my parents on the phone, instead of feeling so pressured when the conversation extends into a marathon).
Get the VLI reading list early, and do most of the reading before the semester starts.
Get broadband access at home, so I can sometimes leave work 'on time', and log in later to finish stuff, rather than just staying all evening.
Tell my boss I'm going to school, to set the stage for having to leave at 5 or 6pm sometimes.
ONGING - Doable:
Stop aimless TV watching
Stop watching 11pm news
Use commute time to study
Purchase stuff online instead of driving around to stores, wherever possible.
ONGING - Hard:
Cut down on pleasure reading
Cut down on work hours
Plan social events for semester breaks, and reduce socializing in between
Eliminate clutter in my apartment, so it doesn't waste so much time finding stuff.
Eliminate clutter in my apartment, so I can hire someone to help clean.
Be more aware of birthdays and events coming up, so I can plan ahead and purchase online.
Well, that's the theory. We'll see how it works.
Thursday, August 07, 2003
I hate change.
What happens when a person who hates change gets so uncomfortable that they have to change, whether they like it or not? I don't know, but I'm about to find out.
Most people say they hate change, but they don't really mean it. I really mean it. I like doing exactly the same exercise routine every time (assuming I do it at all, that is). I bought my apartment 12 years ago, and since then I have moved one chair, from one side of the living room to the other. And that was only because the red chair didn't grow and I did. After owning my first car for 10 years I finally bought another one. Did I mention that I bought the same make and model? I'm very happy with it. I really stretched myself by getting a different color. And my hairstylist knows enough not to even suggest layers or curls, or any different style. She gently discusses whether I can cope with the idea of cutting it 1/2" shorter this time.
So given how much I hate change, it's pretty funny that on the same day I finally decided to commit to enrolling in VLI, I also accepted a transfer at work. As it turns out, both interviews occurred within one hour. Help! Too much change! I think the universe is tipping!
What brought me to the state where something had to change? Ironically, it's sort of VLI's fault that I ended up in VLI. After reading The Heavenly Man (recommended in a VLI intensive I audited last year), I became less and less satisfied with giving God my leftovers. I realized that work had taken over my life, and in a sense needed to be demoted. I'm hoping that I'll enjoy my new job much more than my last one, which was unbearable, however the new one is very demanding. Somehow, I'm going to have to learn how to steer a balance between being a professional, and a workaholic; between supporting the project team, and the other human beings in my life.
Most people say they hate change, but they don't really mean it. I really mean it. I like doing exactly the same exercise routine every time (assuming I do it at all, that is). I bought my apartment 12 years ago, and since then I have moved one chair, from one side of the living room to the other. And that was only because the red chair didn't grow and I did. After owning my first car for 10 years I finally bought another one. Did I mention that I bought the same make and model? I'm very happy with it. I really stretched myself by getting a different color. And my hairstylist knows enough not to even suggest layers or curls, or any different style. She gently discusses whether I can cope with the idea of cutting it 1/2" shorter this time.
So given how much I hate change, it's pretty funny that on the same day I finally decided to commit to enrolling in VLI, I also accepted a transfer at work. As it turns out, both interviews occurred within one hour. Help! Too much change! I think the universe is tipping!
What brought me to the state where something had to change? Ironically, it's sort of VLI's fault that I ended up in VLI. After reading The Heavenly Man (recommended in a VLI intensive I audited last year), I became less and less satisfied with giving God my leftovers. I realized that work had taken over my life, and in a sense needed to be demoted. I'm hoping that I'll enjoy my new job much more than my last one, which was unbearable, however the new one is very demanding. Somehow, I'm going to have to learn how to steer a balance between being a professional, and a workaholic; between supporting the project team, and the other human beings in my life.
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
This is the beginning
I want to keep a record of my journey through VLI, thus this blog.
No, I'm not expecting to end up on Reality TV. In fact, I'm still not sure if I'm even going to give the blog address to anyone else. But for some odd reason, it seems less intimidating to start a blog than a journal. Maybe because I've started (and given up on) several journals in the past. Somehow I always get writer's block, because I start editing what I say until I'm afraid to say anything. And I eliminate anything personal in case anyone ever reads it. And I start obsessing about what I really think. And I feel guilty because I don't write every day. And I worry about my handwriting. And by the time you put all those obsessions together, it's not really worth bothering to write it, and it's definitely not worth bothering to read it! Which is really rather ironic, because I like to write, and I love sharing my [ahem] "brilliant" opinions.
For some absurd reason, a blog seems easier. For one thing, each time you start to write you only have one blank page in front of you, not a whole blank book. Secondly, you know at the outset that it's not private (even if you don't give out the address), so you get over the fear of someone seeing it up front, rather than agonizing over it. And, of course, let's not underestimate the advantage of a word processing and spell-check.
No, I'm not expecting to end up on Reality TV. In fact, I'm still not sure if I'm even going to give the blog address to anyone else. But for some odd reason, it seems less intimidating to start a blog than a journal. Maybe because I've started (and given up on) several journals in the past. Somehow I always get writer's block, because I start editing what I say until I'm afraid to say anything. And I eliminate anything personal in case anyone ever reads it. And I start obsessing about what I really think. And I feel guilty because I don't write every day. And I worry about my handwriting. And by the time you put all those obsessions together, it's not really worth bothering to write it, and it's definitely not worth bothering to read it! Which is really rather ironic, because I like to write, and I love sharing my [ahem] "brilliant" opinions.
For some absurd reason, a blog seems easier. For one thing, each time you start to write you only have one blank page in front of you, not a whole blank book. Secondly, you know at the outset that it's not private (even if you don't give out the address), so you get over the fear of someone seeing it up front, rather than agonizing over it. And, of course, let's not underestimate the advantage of a word processing and spell-check.