Who cares if there's life on Mars?

Last night, I confirmed a theory of mine. If the average Joe (or Jill, as the case may be) knew what scientists meant when they talk about 'life on Mars', they really wouldn't care. And they definitely wouldn't care enough to spend the huge amounts of money that Martian exploration would take.

I tossed this statement out at a party last night, and got exactly the results I expected. People thought that 'life' meant beings like us. Maybe not looking like us, but with some sort of intelligence with which we could communicate. When I told them that even the most optimistic scientists are only looking for...bacteria, all the romance dribbled out.

So here are some suggestions for things we want the great scientific minds of our day to focus on, rather than Martian bacteria:

• xerox machines that can put the staple in the proper corner of the page, if you are printing horizontally. Frankly, this one really bugs me. The copy machine at work can convert a 1-sided original to 2-sided copies (or vice versa), can enlarge or reduce the size of the print, can make multiple copies, can program additional jobs ahead while it is printing one, and can collate, all at the blink of an eye. But it can't figure out where I want the staple. And I can't figure out why this is so hard, and why there hasn't been a mass uprising of the paper class to protest this silly state of affairs.
  
• 'E' thinks that a cure for cancer has probably been found, and is being suppressed for some reason (probably financial), but if a cure hasn't yet been found, the scientists should concentrate on that first.
  
• How about a universal remote control gadget that can turn off ANY car alarm, after 30 seconds. Frankly, after that point the noise serves only to annoy the neighbors, as any thief worth his salt is already gone and can't hear the alarm anymore.
  
• This one has already been invented, of course, but for some reason is rare. I'm speaking of public clocks that show the proper time. When I walk through Penn Station, which purportedly runs a transportation system according to a schedule, every clock has a different time. Of all the places I regularly go, this is the one place where the difference of a single minute is actually significant. At work, we interact with people around the globe, so sometimes we intentionally set a clock to a different time zone. This might make sense if we put the proper label on the clock, but it doesn't help me figure out if I'm late for a meeting. And we won't even mention people's VCRs that flash 12:00:00 perpetually. I bet some people think that is the 'on' symbol.
  
• Health food that tastes good. I know, some of the people nearest and dearest to me think that health food already tastes good, but if it really tasted good, no one would be eating twinkies any more. Have you ever tried fat free cheese? I thought that it might improve if I melted it in the microwave. Oh oh, big mistake. First of all, it doesn't melt properly, it just gets softer, but with a weird texture. But worse came when I tried to eat it. It actually stuck to my teeth. You could probably use it as a denture adhesive, but not as a food substance.
  
• Can we take the people who create infomercials, and apply their genius to inventing products that actually do what they claim? After all, don't we all want an effortless way to get the results of exercise while watching TV? or weight-loss without dieting? Or a carpet cleaner that really cleans?
  

Maybe, just maybe, I'm actually supposed to be who I am.

This quarter, we will be studying Paul, as well as Church planting & Church growth.

I started listening to the lectures about Paul last night. I'm seeing a theme throughout VLI. The lectures go beyond basic Bible knowledge, and pursue the implications. For some reason, I was really touched by what Steve said. He was pointing out the way in which Paul's background made him uniquely qualified to spread the gospel. As an educated Jew, born in Tarsus, but also a Roman citizen, he was equipped to speak to the Jews, the Romans and the Greeks. But then Steve said the most amazing thing. Just as God prepared Paul for his calling, God is preparing us for ours. All of our experiences can come together and uniquely qualify us to reach a particular segment of humanity.

And then I realized that my own background might be part of God's plan, rather than being an accident. In fact, my church has so much focus on recovery from addictions, that I've often worried that my lack of drug or alcohol history might actually be a disqualification from ministry. Likewise, there is a strong anti-intellectual streak in my church, and disparaging comments are made about anyone with a more academic bent. So I've often felt that I had to hide who I was, to fit in at church. But all of a sudden, I heard what Steve was saying, and considered whether my background might be part of God's plan. The fact that I attended a 'new age' school from Nursery through 12th grade never seemed especially beneficial before! But maybe it is. The fact that my favorite composer is Bach is definitely something I've needed to hide -- the very mention of Bach causes people to react by bursting out with their warbling interpretation of an operatic aria. It makes no difference that Bach never wrote an opera, their need to mock is not inhibited by reality, or by fellowship.

But maybe, just maybe, I'm actually supposed to be who I am.

Multicultural extremes

Everytime I think I'm learning, something comes up to show that I'm clueless.
Many of my co-workers are vegetarian. I thought that I was doing pretty well at remembering this, but I was thrown for a loop the other day when I found out that the reason P didn't want to try the cookies I had brought, is that he doesn't eat eggs. And when I finally made some without eggs, I made an even worse mistake, and put in mini-marshmallows. I'm still trying to understand who eats what, and how I can bring in a treat that is edible by everyone.

We had a little social gathering the other night, after work, and I asked the people near me to explain to me what they eat or don't eat. 'A' had already explained that in America we don't know how to serve vodka properly, because it should be a larger serving in a larger glass the way they do in Rumania. And 'D' had explained to me that three people on our team are vegetarian. But now I asked the question more broadly. S jumped in with delight and said that in her culture (Chinese), they eat everything. So in the context, we all assumed that she meant that she eats meat, but she went on to elaborate. To her, the term 'meat' includes cat. And she mentioned a delicacy -- bird mucus. Actually, she wasn't sure whether to call it saliva or mucus. The rest of us were rather feeling that we would gladly forego our share of this rare treat. As she described this, I was watching in fascination. She is a beautiful, educated, refined, polished woman who then went on to explain that her grandfather has a special tonic he drinks, for long life. Made out of urine.

One man's litter is another man's question

We've been having a cold spell, with weather in the single digits.
So today, walking from the train to work, there was hardly anyone else on the sidewalk (unusual for Queens, at rush hour!) For some reason, the lack of people made me especially aware of the litter.

• Crushed coffe cups (especially the ones from the diner, with that fake Greek lettering).
  
• Snapple bottles in every flavor.
  
• Bacardi, Wild Turkey, and other liquor bottles.
  
• Various soda bottles and cans.
  
• Automotive supplies
  
• A bag of Wise potato chips
  
• A single glove
  

But that's not what caught my attention. While the litter is annoying, those things are not puzzling. What caught my attention were the things that had a missing story.

• The beaded automobile seat cover. I've always thought those would be uncomfortable, so I'm not surprised that someone would throw it out, but I'm trying to imagine the situation -- did someone actually pull it out from underneath himself while driving, and throw it out the window?
  
• The blender. Actually it was only the base of a blender. I just can't figure out the scenario. If you were going to throw it out, why not throw it out at home? Why take it for a walk first?
  
• The underpants. Did I mention that it's about 8 degrees out? I'm wearing long johns, and slacks, and a turtle neck shirt, and a sweater, and a fleece shell, and a down jacket with a hood, and gloves and a scarf and a hat, and two pair of socks and boots. Even if I felt some inexplicable urge to discard my underwear, it would take about 15 minutes to remove enough layers to reach it.
  
• The Christmas Tree. It's not that it's so unusual -- January 14th is still somewhat seasonal. It's that I couldn't resist feeling the needles, and they were still soft and pliable. How in the world did someone keep a Christmas tree all this time, without having it turn dead and crisp?
  
• But I didn't see one of my frequent puzzlements. I've never understood the provenance of single shoes by the wayside. I mean, how can you not notice that you are missing one? And if you suddenly decide that you hate your shoes, or they are uncomfortable, why not get rid of both?
  

But best of all, why not throw the trash in the trash can?

Do you speak English?

This is sort of a trick question.
I work with people from various countries, and the English we each speak is quite different. We have a number of people from England in our department. Sometimes there are comical confusions over the simplest words, just because the vowel is different. But the largest contingent is from India. While many are articulate and fluent, the idioms are quite different. In some cases, they are self-explanatory.
Today morning.
Club together.
Updation.
Try again after some time.
Do the needful.

In other cases, it fakes me out. For example, there is an overuse of the subjunctive. I think it is used as a way of sounding polite. But to me it sounds conditional, and I end up confused about what is intended. One common usage is to report, "we would do thus and such". I mistakenly infer an implied condition. We would run the program if it were working (but we won't). But apparently it means that we will run it. Or maybe it means we already did. I'm not sure.

If someone says "We have not tested the program till now", does it mean that we still haven't tested it, or that we didn't previously test it, but now we finally have?

Another one that fakes me out is a special usage of the present or past tense that apparently means the future. Sometimes I feel like I'm in that famous Abbot and Costello scene.
"What is the status of the program?"
"It is done."
"Really? It is done already?"
"Yes, tonight"
"Oh, you mean it will be ready tonight?"
"Yes, it is done"
"Is it done now?"
"No, tonight".

Goldilocks and scratch and shep

The cultural gulf seems especially wide today. It's sort of like stepping off the dock into a canoe, and if you don't do it right, the canoe starts drifting, and your legs get wider and wider apart...

I was so proud about my little story about using Christmas cookies made from scratch as a conversation starter about Christmas traditions. And then my parents told me that as far as they are concerned, 'scratch' is what you feed chickens, and maybe my co-workers thought I was making cookies out of chicken feed, and that is why they said they had never eaten that before. Oh well.

And today, I was in a testing meeting. One tester had been complaining (legitimately) that a certain function was capturing too many data errors for him to tell if the application worked. So we fixed that and were eagerly looking for his reaction. On Friday, he said that he thought it looked suspicious because there were no errors at all. And I jumped in and said he sounded like Goldilocks. It reminded me of the porridge being too hot or too cold. Well the entire room fell silent, in confusion. Apparently no one knew the story. Anyway, I didn't have time to clear it up, because I was leaving to go to a rehearsal for Amahl and the Night visitors. And since I had mentioned my plans to one of the Englishmen, as I was rushing out he 'helpfully' explained that I leaving so I could go be a shepherd. That would have been bad enough, but actually, what he said was, "Ann has to go shep".

I suspect that I'm the one who appears exotic.